Now, listen to the audio version of this post.

So, this happened. Don’t pretend it didn’t.

On the first day of women’s nationals, NBC brought us a protracted Bela gargle masquerading as a profile of how the Karolyi ranch has shaped the last nine months of American gymnastics, starring Laurie Hernandez, that picture of Kerri Strug, and some of a camel.

Let’s begin, shall we?

The voice of Kristen Bell greets us to tell us that it has been a year since her best friend, Lilly Kane, was murdered.

Probably at the ranch.

As Kristen explains, there’s a place that’s known all around the world simply as “Martha’s Secret Forest Murder Camp.” Or, I mean, “The Ranch.” Yeah, that’s it. That’s what everyone calls it. Nothing else.

It welcomes dreams, desires, dedication, and like not even that many torn ACLs anymore I swear.

Meanwhile, Bela is busy disposing of the body.

Unckie Bela is just sort of committing random and unnecessary acts of deforestation—if a tree falls in the forest, does it say, “YOU CAN DO IT”?—while sliding into your nightmares like…

BA-dum. BA-dum, BA-dum.

Apparently, Bela is the star of gymnastics, which is why it’s important to profile him for 98% this piece even though he has nothing to do with the current program or gymnasts and has basically been dead for 10 years. Don’t forget your history, guys. He’s important. “I coached Mary Lou, and Kim, and what-do-you-call-her, and the ugly one.” Thanks, Bela. OH THE MEMORIES.

Also, did Bela just try to name Carly in that list of his champion gymnasts?

Although to be fair, I couldn’t tell if he said “Carly” or “Grlrgly.” Each as likely as the other.

Martha is also here. WHO?

We catch up with Martha Claus as she emerges from her glorious forest palace, clutching a list of who has been naughty and who has been thin.

This is also our first introduction to Kristen Bell’s fabulous and self-consciously accurate pronunciation of Martha. She hits that t like a BOSS. That’s like how Dominique Moceanu pronounces it, except without the cauldron of roiling magma. Continue reading American Horror Story: The Ranch →