Site icon The Balance Beam Situation

How To Gymnastics Exhibition, Starring Russia

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Step 1:

And we’re off…

…our meds, apparently.

Just to clarify, that’s a big-horned lion (animal?) joining the cast of Stomp to provide a trash-can tribute to the marriage of Leonardo da Vinci and smoke inhalation.

Like you do.

A lion, a fish, and an eagle walk into a sexual nightmare…

But it’s not just about half-naked, strobe-light, fauna-percussion seizures dedicated to the legacy of Alexei Nemov (is it my birthday already?), there’s also this happening.

(Get a room, you two.)

And, most importantly, SUPER GYMNASTICS. Which brings us to…

Step 2:

OMG SIMONE IS THAT YOU??????

Step 3:
Continue dressing like a hippie beekeeper on a summer afternoon, fail to impress the big-horned lion with your acro throws.

Step 4:
Flying squid women.

PHEW. I was worried.

Step 5:

…and that rings routine sank the Titanic.

Step 6:

You can bet the Kellogg’s tour doesn’t have a background tribute to fish bondage. Address your life, America.

It just makes me want to…rub some fire…on the back of my shoulder…

Step 7:
Obviously.

Step 8:
Introduce a villain.

Uh oh…

Step 9:
CAMELS.

But literally CAMELS.

Step 10:
More very normal and expected things.

I didn’t know Nastia could drive a motorcycle…

Step 11:
TRAMP MARRIAGES.

WHEEEEEEEE.

Step 12:
Oh, just the bird ceremony.

Dragon Alexei Nemov, by the power vested in me by this sweet-ass headdress, high-tech fire graphic, and sexy wristbands, I now proclaim you King of the Sky.

…also these kids look like they might be duds. So you should get them some help too.

Step 13:
Paint yourself gold and perform a layout Tkatchev to Kovacs set within the concept of time travel. Please and thank you.

Step 14:

Step 15:
Slide into Kyla Ross’s NCAA career like…

Step 16:
Help out Putin by proving once and for all that there’s nothing gay about Russia.

Nothing at all.

Just being heterosexual with my trampoline scarves, you guys…

Step 17:
The usual.

Step 18:
That time those wicked nipple-bats put on those skirts and stole human flight.

Step 19:
Introduce the queen…

…who has decided to go as Acro Martha Plimpton for Halloween for some reason.

And since I’m sure you don’t have any questions about anything you’ve seen here…

Step 20:
Bye bye now

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