Site icon The Balance Beam Situation

Adventures with Elfi in the Rain

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Oh hey, would you like to watch some NCAA gymnastics fluff that has the soundtrack, production quality, color scheme, and fucking moccasins of a 1970s sex ed video set in a zoo?

That’s correct.

So, Elfi. We’re going to need you to go for a short jog while jamming a book to your forehead like you’re absorbing a series of Egyptian prophesies. Annnnnnnnd…action!

Get the girl an umbrella?

Maybe that’s why she never imagined Russia sending someone that untalented to a world championship. The book LIED to her.

So wait, there were just random pictures of Elfi up around town? Was she an escaped criminal or lost dog? Did Elfi do a murder, you guys?

I mean, we could show her doing some gymnastics, but that’s just so obvious, you know. We don’t have that much time, so I feel like we really need to devote most of it to her laboriously opening a closet. That’s what girls do. Hop in, Elf.

Ugh, easiest skill in the whole routine.

Fine, don’t hop in. Instead, could you take a second to invent Hillary Clinton?

There’s our girl!

Also, isn’t it just spelled Elfi, with no E?

NO TIME FOR SPELLING BECAUSE CLOSETS.

In other news, apparently Moscow would have been the first Olympic Games, and high fashion has officially been invented.

Ah, the old wedgie-in-baggy-pants.

Up next, the irresistible saga of Marsdens, so irresistible it needed multiple fluffs over multiple years.

“A late bloomer, she was a solid, but unspectacular, performer.” CLANG. Thanks a ton for that glamorous introduction. Try to be a bit less enthusiastic.

But you know what will really spice up this story? A vaguely and depressingly pornographic saxophone-solo soundtrack that also makes it so I don’t really know whether this is gymnastics fluff or a Helen Hunt after-school special about the ills of experimenting with meth.

That’s definitely how the rest of this fluff should have gone. You really let us down on that one, Marsdens. Not enough jumping out of a window as part of a drug-addled hallucination. Pick it up.

BUT WAIT, is that a famous footwear model showing off the hottest new trends?

How much time were you going to spend on the shoes?

JUST DON’T FORGET THE SHOOOOESSSSS.

SHOES ARE THE NEW CLOSET.

“Megan has some big days coming up.”

Clearly.

“She’s about to graduate, and oh also, in other news that we’ll shoehorn in at the end here, she’s marrying her coach, which is fine because of the 80s.”

Everyone looks super thrilled about having to talk about this on camera. Nowhere else you’d rather be.

But it’s OK because they made sure all the rest of the girls were as comfortable as possible with this. And by this, I mean dressing like the unholy offspring of Christmas and the Fourth of July.

OH THE MEMORIES. THESE ARE THE FINEST PICTURES OF ALL. Let’s casually flip through them right now.

This is definitely the “getting offered a cigarette outside the bathroom” scene of the PSA. There’s literally no other context in which these poses would happen.

“Megan eats what she likes and picks her own activities.” MY HOW MODERN. These newfangled marriages. Also, picks her own activities? Today, I’ll be taking shuffleboard on the promenade deck.

“It’s working pretty good today, no yelling at Megan.” WHERE ARE WE? WHAT LIFE IS THIS?

Moving into the 90s, the pièce de résistance of the entire collection.

The glory and majesty of the balance beam.

You’re starting with that?

Who made this? Me?

Hi, I’m Julianne McNamara, and I’m joining you live from this abandoned Worlds Fair because I just want to say that if there’s one trick to mastering the balance beam, you’ve just got to put your mind to it, go for it, get down and break a sweat, rock and a-rolllllll, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

“It’s known as the psych event.”

Nope.

Hey Julianne, great work, keep pretending to be way more out of breath than you should be right now. It’s amazing.

“Practice makes perfect. Or at least a 9.9.” AHAHAHAHAHAHA jokes. Also, just a 9.9? Innocent times.

“Skills are first learned on a basketball court for some reason.”

Next, let’s hear from Missy Marlowe, Hope Spivey, and Dee Dee Foster.

EARRINGS FIGHT. EARRINGS FIGHT. EARRINGS FIGHT.

But wait. Did you know that the balance beam is ONLY FOUR INCHES WIDE?

I don’t believe you. Could you produce some video evidence to prove this to me that I can GIF and never stop using until the end of time?

Gee whiz, you’re right. Thanks ever so.

But really, thanks ever so to the brave hero who put these on YouTube so that we can never stop making fun of them forever.

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