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The Wolf Turns of Nationals, 2017 Edition

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Another year, another batch of wolf turns to find hilarious.

Mastering screwing up a wolf turn is a strange, particular art. The ways the wolf turn can go wrong are unceasingly numerous and intricate, each layer of fiascos more complex than the last. Much like an onion. Because you’re already crying.

And so we begin this year’s countdown of the best wolf turns nationals had to offer.

#10: The “Just a Li’l Bit of Barf”

A triple wolf turn is enough to make even the most experienced sailors hurl off starboard.

Better out than in.

#9: The Texas Dreams “Stand and Deliver”

There’s no need to bow afterward, ma’am.

If I squat at the end, it’s like I was squatting the whole time.

Inching up into in a wall sit and scooting around is for credit!

How many turns was that? Two? Four? When should I stop and stand up…AHH TOO LATE THERE’S NO TIME.

#8: The “Tripping Helps Sometimes”

You: “I can do a double wolf turn.”
Your foot: “Too bad you’re not in charge no more…”
You: “Come on baby, just a little farther.”
Your foot: “BOOOOOO. DIE TYRANT.”

It’s not a fall if you were already mostly on the ground, right?

#7: The “Who Left a Beam Here?”

I’m awesome, I’m awesome, I’m awesome, ow crap.

Really inconsiderate placement of beam there, right in front of her foot. Stay in your own lane, buddy.

#6: The “That Was a Double, Take It Up with My Lawyers”

Just sell it. Keep going. Swing the foot around somewhere. Plausible deniability. Double. Triple. 2.4. Who says otherwise?

Also smart to choreograph in a “stop, drop, and roll” fire drill afterward because who knows where that flopped-around right leg is going to take you. It could sweep someone’s eye out.

#5: The “I’M A PINWHEEL FOR HALLOWEEN”

Where she stops, only the wind can say.

#4: The “I May Have Missed Some of the Rules…”

You throw your leg around for a second, and then just do wiggle spinning, right?

That’s not the game?

What’s the game?

Am I it?

#3: The “She didn’t fall? Inconceivable!”

Cling. You cling for dear life. Climb back up whatever the cost.

And then finish in the wolf position. Because SKILL COMPLETED AS PLANNED, NEXT.

#2: The “Should I just…I’ll…never mind…whatever…forget I said anything”

The wolf turn to easy-graceful-sideways-position straddle is good.

The “grandma can’t get up the way she used to” is better.

But it’s those “Oh don’t worry about it, Jana Bieger, I’ll just keep going, happens all the time” gestures after clawing herself back up onto the beam that really earn the #2 position.

Connection bonus, as far as I’m concerned.

#1: The “Wolfkino”

Could it be any other way?

What Jordan hadn’t counted on is that THE POWER OF THE WOLF CANNOT BE CONTAINED BY MERE MORTALS.

Standing up after the first turn, rather than subduing the wolf like her calculations told her it would, ended up only making the wolf grow stronger and stronger and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Jordan was found several days later, in a forest clearing, with two small puncture wounds on the back of her neck and no memory of what had happened or who Rhonda Faehn even is.

The case remains unsolved.

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