Last week, we were teased with a trailer for the Simone movie—Courage To Soar. And like a fool, I didn’t even do a shot-by-shot recap of this minute-long wilderness experience. Let this be an opportunity to make amends. I have the courage to sour. I mean soar. Yeah that.

We open with Betty Gossip-Pajamas, who has come to Simone’s room to ask Simone about Simone maybe possibly wanting to go to “the actual Olympics QUESTION MARK?????”

Simone wants to go to the actual Olympics???

No.

She wants to go to the fake Olympics.

Like a fake gymnast.

Pull your ass together.

She’s good enough, too. Because Jocelyn Shoulder-Angle is vaulting a U-shaped something-or-other—cut together with obvious floor tumbling—which will inevitably be whoosh-whooshed into a perfect Amanar.

Immediate 16.300.

Simone’s Whoosh-manar is perfect enough to get her an invite to the prestigious Karolyi Ranch If It Were Nice, where no chalk has ever been.

This is what gyms look like.

Simone sees Kytra Tricase-Raisman perform this *gasp* DOUBLE PIKE and immediately quits gymnastics forever out of intimidation.

On top of that, she has to deal with ADVERSITY SCENE at the hands of What The Disney Channel Thinks A Bully Is.

How will she become the Olympic champion now???????

Not with some raggedy-ass driveway choreography, that’s for sure.

No, it will take an inspiring pep talk from Casting Call For Danny Glover Type—Must Have Beige Jacket and Experience Holding Newspaper Wisdomishly!

That’s it! Of course!

OH NO MORE ADVERSITY!

If these USAG clips from 2013 Classic + close-ups that were definitely shot at the same time with the same equipment (0.2 CV) are any indication, things aren’t going well for our hero!

That means her coach, Bizarro Aimee Boorman, must rip off the head of a baby chick with her teeth and go, “I feel like this character is probably a heinous sea beast. No research needed!”

Simone’s suckiness has also not escaped the watchful eyes of Iron Curtain Wig Factory, who hails from the small town of Unclearsylvania, in the nation of Upper Europia, and is really believable as a 75-year-old.

Following this disgrace, Simone needs to spend some personal time decorating her Thinking Trampoline with Christmas lights to decide what she really wants.

But what she really wants is a better Thinking Trampoline. With more Christmas lights. So, that was a bust.

Instead, she retreats to her bedroom and asks Nellie for a new Thinking Trampoline—and also advice or something. Nellie is like, “¯\_(ツ)_/¯.”

Her part seems a little underwritten.

AND THAT’S HOW SIMONE DEVELOPED RESOLVE.

Simone decides to remember that scared little FOSTER CHILD, who had to do all her thinking on that trampoline that didn’t even have Christmas lights on it. Like a poor, useless trash girl.

She then remembers all the ONE SQUAT she put into gymnastics and decides that maybe it’s worth it to do a sissone, even if she has to miss high-school-friend-normal-childhood-prom.

Because maybe, just maybe, it might be worth…at least…THREE MORE COOL WINDBREAKERS.

So, Simone does a rope climb, which is Olympics, earning the respect of Bizarro Aimee, who goes, “Everything I feel about you is entirely based on your rope climb abilities. What’s Google? This feels right.”

Simone’s Whoosh-manar is immediately no better, meaning championship.

Martha is so proud of Simone that she becomes from Germany.

“Rise, my dear.”

Is something Martha has said before. Apparently.

Did “Make your body prettier, you dumb sludge turd” not make it past the focus groups?

And that was how Simone came from FOSTER CHILD to become Olympics with a whole Tkatchev.

The end.

Can’t wait. February 3rd. 8:00 ET. Lifetime (obviously).