Welcome to the 1998 Reese’s Cup.

Or, sorry, the Reese’s International Gymnastics Cup.

SO MANY NATIONS. I CAN BARELY COUNT THEM ALL.

1 – USA

And I’m done. REAL SHAME THE SENEGALESE TEAM DIDN’T MAKE THE TV EDIT.

The Magnificent Seven (left) receive flowers from the Polygamy Tragedy Six (right).

Dearest Dominique,

You look like you probably wear a XXL.

Yours always,
The 1990s

OMG THEY’RE BOTH NAMED DOMINIQUE SO WE SHOULD PUT THEM ON A TEAM TOGETHER AND CALL IT “THE UNIQUES” BECAUSE DOMINIQUE ENDS IN -NIQUE JUST LIKE UNIQUE.

Elfi: Dominique, how did you decide on the name “The Uniques”?
Dom: This is the first I’m learning of it, Cheryl

“It’ll be fun,” she said miserably.

Kim Zmeskal: Stolen

AMANDA STOP THROWING COCAINE AT EVERYONE.

Shannon: I got the best team
Everyone: You know this is just a weird exhibition, so it doesn’t, like…
Shannon: I GOT THE BEST TEAM

And a rhythmic for Kristie Phillips, bye.

We begin on beam with Dominique Celine Moceanu 90s, who has selected “My Heart Will Go On” because of…that’s like a thing right now and you have to.

“She edited this music in her bedroom.”

But did she, though?

Uh oh.

You guys, what Dominique is looking for in a new coach is “basically a blend of Bela and Martha Karolyi.”

MMMMMM. MMMMHMMMM. SURE.

SHE LOVED BELA AND MARTHA SO MUCH SHE JUST CAN’T GET ENOUGH. THEIR QUALITIES AS COACHES ARE VERY IMPORTANT TO HER. WHAT NURTURING MENTORS. I AM OVERWHELMED BY VERACITY.

Oh look, Drunkle Bela is even one of the judges. What a fun occasion for everyone. Let’s see what he gives Dominique.

Florida formal: Palms, three plastic Greek columns, and a park bench

“The scores are a little bit tight.”
Yes, based on the Table of Fairy Cupcakes found in the Code of Sprinkles, the judges are not adhering to the definitely real rules that exist.

The theme of Dominique Dawes’ performance is “Blue. I’m wearing blue, OK? This is a try.”

Annnnnnnd…coast is clear so…GET ME OUT OF HERE

KIM ZMESKAL IS DOING A BEAM ROUTINE TO “GOD BLESS AMERICA” I CANNOT.

“God Bless America was actually Mary Lee Tracy’s idea…”

YOU DON’T SAY.

You mean this Kindergarten Sunday School pander-pageant was Faith Song’s idea???? I’m shocked. We all saw one second of this and had zero questions about who came up with it.

“It’s the theme of their gym.” Well, that doesn’t sound insufferable at all.

And we have a winner.

AMANDA DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM KIM’S BEAM ROUTINE???? THE LORD IS WATCHING AND IS WEIRDLY NATIONALISTIC FOR AN OMNIPRESENT DEITY.

So if you’re going to tear off your clothes randomly, they better be red white and blue.

Wait: this costume was for BARS?

“Nice choice to get rid of the tutu,” he says not creepily.

“I SAW THAT, BELA!”

…said no one for 30 years.

The Shannon Miller/Amy Chow team is called Silent Storm. Finding new and creative ways to tell Shannon she doesn’t have a personality – Year 3.

And here’s Amy Chow.

I am 1000% on board. You had me at hidden beneath a black cape-sack.

“It should be red because she is Superwoman on this event.”

Tim.

I mean, same.

“When asked about the 2000 Olympics in Sydney, Amy told us ‘probably not’.”

Love it. Meanwhile, Shawn Johnson is still leaving the door open about going for London 2012.

IT’S THE TIME OF SHANNON’S LIFE YOU GUYS.

Sweetie.

You’re…very OOB.

I’m legit shocked Nunno didn’t sneak into the competition and recut the music (IN HIS BEDROOM) to make it “and I owweeee it all to Nun….no. I’ve. Had. The time of my li-i-ife…”

We’ve come a long way from the YMCA.

Well, a medium way.

A few steps.

I’m saying that immediately after I hug anyone from now on.

Wait. You guys. I’m beginning to think these scores aren’t based on the routines…

Time to launch an investigation.

Up Next: “Jessica Davis, a rhythmic gymnast, and remember Kristie Phillips?”

CLANG.

Oh, poor Remember Kristie Phillips.

Rhythmic goes out and is all rhythmic and whatever.

LEBRON IS THAT YOU??????

Something about “good luck crystals” and a non-live frog in her bag, so…

1.4?

Bela scores her a “she seems thin.”

But wait you guys. The pièce de résistance.

Our dear Remember Kristie Phillips is doing an interpretive-beam memorial tribute to Gianni Versace and Princess Diana while wearing Baby Spice hair. Congratulations, my child, you have been awarded Gayest Sentence of the 90s. I love you so much.

If you didn’t hear this beam premise and then immediately cover your eyes while screaming YES, then we have nothing in common.

It’s my favorite thing that’s ever happened, and I also want to burn it in a fire. I want to watch it all day long, and then gouge my eyes out with a grapefruit spoon. These are the feelings.

Act I: Versace

MY GOD.

A REVELATION.

TANK TOP.

LIGHTS CAMERA FASHION.

“Well, Kristie, we have enough in the budget for one Versace tank top, as long as it’s a knock off, and you pay for it yourself.”

This act also features a voice-over from her husband, How Americans Think English People Sound.

I don’t know why this required a fake English accent, but I’m so very glad it did.

SIMPLY SMASHING.

If Andrew Cunanan hadn’t killed him, this sure would have.

Act II: LITERALLY HOLDING A TIARA ALOFT IN TRIBUTE

Thank you so much.

GET THAT EMMY GIRL. Is there an Emmy category for Funniest Memorial? Most Acting in an Obituary? Because this would win.

In loving memory.

Of Gianni Versace.

And Diana.

Princess.

Of Wales.

THIS HAPPENED YOU GUYS.

IN REAL LIFE.

INTENTIONALLY.

“She was the best in the country for a time, but never made an Olympic team.” LIKE TRASH.

Bela gives it a 10. Because he was really inspired by Gianni Versace.

NOW IT’S TIME FOR THE BOYS.

OOPS NO TIME FOR BOYS JUST ONE TEAM.

Faith Song appears to have gotten to Chainey Umphrey too. The national anthem? Is it Public Domain Songs Week already?

Chainey rooted through the dumpster outside the American Gladiators studio so that he could try to upstage Remember Kristie Phillips (as if) and perform his own moving tribute to………the athletes of the 1998 Winter Olympics?

Um…like…they didn’t die? Why are you giving them a military funeral? It’s really OK. Michelle will get over it.

Chainey’s event is clapping. Also raising the roof. A lot of roof raising. That roof is in space at this point.

“Is this like Captain America or something?”

Chainey finishes with a hideous double layout that no one says anything about but I think we need to unpack together. What’s even happening there?

Up next, his teammate Chris Waller.

TFW everyone wants Jordyn Wieber to get the job you’ve waited your whole career for

Things I didn’t know I needed in my life: Elfi having to say “Tubthumping by Chumbawamba.” Also, I’m pretty sure she says “Tough Thumping.”

No, Elfi. No. Please.

Epilepsy is not a joke: The More You Know

 

AND BACK TO THE WOMEN.

Dawes literally just chose songs that matched the colors of her costumes and that’s all. “AltaVista search for the word ‘red’…and we’re done for the day. See you later, donkeys.”

Moceanu has chosen to dress in traditional Romanian folk jangles in order to “shake it real funky.” It’s what all the hip kid-friends are doing these days.

 

Very funky.

Not weird at all.

Moceanu is “the only gymnast from the Magnificent Seven who says she is pointing toward the 2000 Games in Sydney.”

Cool Story – a novel by Dominique Dawes

KIM SADNESS WALKING ALERT

The scrunchie, on her wrist instead of in her hair, symbolizes how close and yet so far she was from becoming a household champion.

FOR ONLY THOSE WHO HAVE TOUCHED GOLD MAY BRING THE HALLOWED SCRUNCHIE TO THEIR SACRED LOCKS.

When I say “MAG SEVEN”
You say

When I say “MAG SEVEN”
You say

It’s fun because murder.

Get that peanut butter, put it in the sandwich.

Cut off the crusts. Cut off the crusts.

Put in the the lunchbox. Go to work.

Come on everybody

Do the sexy sandwich.

This is my 10s posture.

But also: You cut out Borden’s leopard print routine? WHAT DO YOU THINK WE’RE HERE FOR????

 

“She won a rock-and-roll gymnastics competition last summer.”
You know those.

Shannon was inspired to be all Olympics because of a Kenny Rogers song. Well, this competition is just screaming COOL RELEVANCE.

A+ at pretending to be shocked/honored at this nonsense. Don’t tell our girl she doesn’t have a personality.

 

 

I am very comfortable right now. This is good outfit. Flannel shirt. Yes.

How to Dance, Chapter 1: Thumbs

Rhythmic does a rhythmic and doesn’t even stumble backward OOB at any point, so blech, competition over bye.

 

“Congratulations Silent Storm, you two made a lot of noise tonight,” Elfi says at a normal pace, totally naturally and unplanned.

NOW TO THE BOYS AGAIN.

Blaine Wilson’s performance consists of the the rings exhibition nod because of rings exhibition, indiscriminate flexing also because of rings exhibition, and pointing.

Yes. That.

I feel like when you introduce John Roethlisberger, air guitar is just sort of implied.

Also this implied too.

OK. So. This may not have happened, but I’m going to need you to go to 53:20 in the video, when John and Blaine high five, and confirm that the screaming person in the crowd is in fact yelling, “EAT A BUTT, JOHN!!!” Because that’s absolutely what happens, and I’m crying.

Bless.

You know that thing where you’re like, “What would James Bond wear? Right, an oversized blazer and silver pants, duh. Why did I even ask?”

“You may have seen this guy touring with the national team, where he played the clown.” That bodes well.

That thing where you accidentally fall over in the middle of a murder.

Yes, Waller chose Chumbawamba and Smashmouth as his two song choices. HAPPY 90s TO ALL AND TO ALL A FROSTED TIP.

“This man, he can swing some pipe.”

So, um, Tim. You know that’s like…said with a wink, right? Like…not for in-public talking?

I need to know that you know that.

Also, Chainey Umphrey is writing “two scientific novels,” and Waller is just shouting “new phenomenon!”

And we seem to be confused about numbers.

So great.

“An interesting competition indeed.”