A. WHAT IS RUSSIA
Valentina announced today that she cut open the belly of a crow under the gleam of a solstice moon, the spilling innards of which instructed her to select a Euros team of Angelina Melnikova, Angelina Simakova, Lilia Akhaimova, Irina Alexeeva, and Uliana Perebinosova.
Obviously, I’m in heaven. This team is so damn weird and special, and I’m more excited for bars and beam than I can possibly say. (Admittedly, I’m excited in that “what if someone barfed during the royal wedding” kind of way, but still excited.) But also, um, a couple questions. Question #1: Why do you hate blood pressure? Question #2: Viktoria Komova, explain?
Well, according to Valentina, Komova was not selected for Euros despite finishing 3rd AA at Russian Cup because…wait for it…she has back pain and is inconsistent.
You’ve literally described every single Russian gymnast of the last 20 years, as well as all five other members of the team you selected. I have back pain and inconsistency just from saying the word “Russia” aloud right now. You’ll need to be more specific.
Also, Komova says her alleged back pain is not a thing.
Tell us more, Vika. Tell us more. You mean Valentina might have been disingenuous and inventing injuries again? I’m shook.
Oh yeah, Ilyankova is not on the team either, despite recording a 15.300 on bars at Russian Cup and placing 2nd AA. So…huh?
This is going to sound bad, but…she better be injured. You know what I mean. There’s internet rumor of a limp, which is the only way I can really see it making sense to take Perebinosova as a bars specialist over Ilyankova.
Perebinosova was too injured to compete at Russian Cup three weeks ago—and I was under the impression that she was “out of Euros”-injured—but apparently she’s better than Komova and Ilyankova suddenly, so that’s going to make for a super fun Euros competition. Alexeeva also missed Russian Cup—and doesn’t have the peak scoring potential of Komova on bars and beam or Ilyankova on bars—so the fact that she was chosen to do bars and beam means we can only assume she showed up to the final selection and American-consistency-ed all over everyone’s ass.
And Valentina was like, “WHAT IS THIS HITTING WITCHCRAFT. YOU’RE MY NEW DAUGHTER. VIKA LOCK YOURSELF IN A DUNGEON.”
That’s 1000% what happened because it looked to all the world like Komova and Ilyankova were going to be on this team and then suddenly…