Thank your lucky stars because the Olympic Channel has brought us the sustenance we’ve always needed but have never been able to express—a vital documentary profile of earth’s only true citizen, Svetlana Augustus Khorkina.

And you can bet your ass I’m breaking down the extended version, not that 9-minute one. If anyone has ever warranted an extended director’s cut that’s more than twice as long as the original, it’s The Svets.

First question: What sort of rider demands do you think she had for this shoot? Because 100% she doesn’t show up for less than four Faberge eggs and a shoebox containing the foot of her greatest rival. Bare minimum.

I would gladly turn to a life of arson to find out what happened behind the scenes here.

We begin with pea-in-her-pod Alexei Nemov, who spends the entirety of this thing volunteering nonspecific comments about her (his) greatness, while looking kind of constipated with confusion about why this documentary isn’t about how hot and insufferable he was in the 90s.

Yep, that’s the one right there.

Yada, yada, yada, Khorkina invented gymnastics, no one has ever been as important as her, blah blah blah.

Meanwhile, French Lady informs us that a diva is magical, you can’t catch her. (Uh DOY! We know.)

OK so French Lady’s research for this interview consisted entirely watching NBC fluff pieces. Same.

Emilie Le Pennec tells us about “a certain attitude” Khorkina has. Yes. A certain attitude. One might, for instance, term that attitude “ostentatiously delusional and egomaniacal.” A “rococo Medusa” if you will.

Also, the Olympic Channel is really into shots of Khorkina’s hair from the 2000 gala, and correct.

Khorkina invented Justin Timberlake in this moment, and the court will hear no further arguments.

“You’re not some rag!…They can’t just get rid of you!” announces the sister for no reason, acknowledging the great international conspiracy against Svetlana Khorkina, where a secret cabal of powerful capitalists meets at the bottom of the ocean to try to destroy her greatness by convincing the population of earth that she is, in fact, a rag. Continue reading The Only Gymnast That Mattered: The Svetlana Khorkina Story →