Today’s journey into the archives of gymnastics goes back just a single decade to the 2010 gymnastics season—the last time you were happy, probably.

On this occasion, we meet the trio in some sort of preposterous sit-down setting with foliage, like they’re doing a Today Show segment on how to host an intervention for your dog.

Elfi’s specialist subject.

Al and Tim begin by discussing Rebecca “Very Same Gym” Bross, who comes from the Very Same Gym. Can you believe it. The VERY SAME GYM.

Very same.

Anyway, the deal with Bross is that she fell on floor at 2009 worlds, end of biography byeeeeeeeee.

Meanwhile: “Men’s gymnastics has Kohei Uchimura. Women’s gymnastics has Aliya Mustafina.”

Al asks Elfi to weigh in on how she DOMINATED that Ann Taylor Loft.

Also whether DIVA Aliya Mustafina is an Evil Diva who is diva. Answer: Much diva. You should probably hate her. She isn’t even a pure American apple pie next door.

OMG THE DIVA IS PALPABLE.

Al assures us that the women’s all-around competition goes by at light speed. Well, it’ll do that when you cut out 90% of the athletes and package it in a single hour. I can’t believe how quick this competition that we cut out most of is!

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“We begin with Alexandra Aly Raisman.”

Alexandra.

You guys, 2010 was a long time ago.

It was “you still thought it was pronounced Rice-man” years ago.

We’re also very much in the Aleeeeeya Must-have-feeeeeena stage. Which is a rough thing to have shoved in your ear holes.

For some reason, the chosen narrative with Aly is “I can’t believe this new senior is able to hit routines at a world championship” like that has never happened before. Hrm, may I instead direct your attention to the entire history of this sport?

Also, they’ve had to limit Rebecca Bross’s numbers on vault lately because of her injuries, which is some FIVESHADOWING up in here.

No one saw it coming. No one. Who could have known that flapping through a DTY at 2011 nationals was a bad idea?

The main problem with Bross’s vault is that she had to “pike her feet down.” UGH YES I HATE THOSE PIKED FEET is that why she didn’t make it to London?

My favorite thing about the aggressive attempts to whip out the DIVA label maker and plaster it all over Aliya here is that this meet (VERY SAME MEET) also features the world unveiling of Tatiana Ridiculata Nabieva, who basically throws a crystal decanter on the ground of every training session while being constantly on the verge of tears-murder. I mean, if you were going to give anyone the Russian Diva treatment.

That’s right, worlds 2010 is where we first experienced the Nabieva

And the Nabieva II

And we’ve never been the same.

I really do need to bless Nabieva’s early commitment to FMLing her way through the choreography for the rest of that beam routine after mammarying the beam. Like watching a young Picasso at work.

Important warning: This meet has a lot of Ana Porgras being perfect while we discuss how the sky is the limit for her future accomplishments in this sport, and it’s like a knife in the throat.

This is also the part where we pretend to be shocked that Belu and Bitang came out of “retirement.” No one saw it coming.

“Romania has kind of struggled of late, but they are back.”

Up next, we have China’s Huhwang Hooshwung.

Great.

I’m currently working under the theory that the pain of Huang Qiushuang’s unfulfilled potential cursed the concept of vault amplitude for China thereafter.

“I hate to beat a dead horse, but the horse obviously was dead a long time ago.” God Al, no one wants to hear about your weekend plans.

After one event, “Aly…Raisman?” is in third.

Rebecca Bross truly had the fastest bars pirouettes. It was li…SHUT UP DID YOU HEAR NASTIA IS COMING BACK. SHE’S IN THE GYM. AND PICKING MUSIC. SHE WILL BE READY FOR 2012 NO QUESTION.

Meanwhile, this is also the competition where we are introduced to the Mustafina dismount.

“What has to happen for a name to become official?” Al asks even though Elfi literally just explained that 13 seconds ago about the Nabieva.

GET THIS: It’s a Romanian who doesn’t suck on bars. The tide has turned for sure!

Huang Queeeeeeshewuang follows on bars, demonstrating her Endo-Ono variation that was denied naming because it was determined to be the same element as a forward Stalder 1/1 in L-grip, which already existed. The WTC didn’t add Huang to the named skill section but added the note “any technique accepted” to the skill box.

Which is the throat stab of the CoP

Also this.

Yep. That’s our girl.

Now we move to the part of the competition where Elfi is not remotely subtle about how she wants to kidnap Jiang Yuyuan, cover her in lacquer, and develop an interior design concept around her.

READY FOR SHIPPING.

THE SPARKLE IN THIS ATHLETE.

Ow?

Now we move on to Alexandra Raisman, having to face bars.

“She’s good here, she’s clean.”

“Sometimes the…wwwwhat’s going on here?”
Working title of The Aly Has to Do Bars Story

Conventional wisdom of 2010: It’s a real shame that Aly missed bars in the all-around final because this is the last chance she’ll have to compete the AA, what with Wieber and Bross taking over for the rest of the quad.

“THAT COULD BE A RED FLAG FOR THE OLYMPICS.” Yes, Aly the headcase. If there’s one thing we know, it’s that Aly Raisman will develop a reputation for not being able to hit under pressure.

“She’ll have to climb a big Russian mountain by the name of Aliya Mustafina.”

Aliya demonstrates a smooth back handspring + layout stepout acrobatic series on beam, and that will never be a problem birds chirp sunshine.

And let’s see, what’s the verdict on this most glorious of beam routines?

“At times she can be a little bit of a devil.”

“And emotional, we hear, emotional in the gym.”

LOCK HER UP.

“Sounds like a lot of kids I know,” Al says with 60% too much homicide.

Elsewhere…

TFW you made triple wolf turns happen and you just don’t care

We are also reliably informed that Ana Porgras is so beautiful on beam that the only thing keeping her from being world champion is having a full on vault but SHE’LL UPGRADE SOON.

“Here in Rotterdam, the name of the show is Keeping Up with Mustafina.”

Speaking of things that are killing me, all of this walking-backward-counts-as-choreography in Huang’s beam routine.

There was absolutely no reason a gymnast whose skills were that un-ugly should have had such tragic composition. Someone did her so wrong.

This was also the world championship when the time warning sounded like the chief warrior of the tri-galaxies just caught you trying to smuggle yourself into the cargo bay on Speretron B. And after floor routines, the announcer would go “…thank you Ana” with more than a little whiff of “OK…we’ll let you know…”

The party line on Jiang Yuyuan is that she went through a TRAGIC SLUMP BADDDDD in 2009 and it was a mystery why she was sooooo terrible.

Anyway, she won the AA title at Universiade that year, also bars gold and floor silver at nationals.

Get excited: this is one of the meets when Al gets a bee in his bonnet over how the US gymnasts don’t paint an American flag over their faces in the all-around final so that you know who the good guys team is without having to learn people’s stupid woman-faces.

Maybe because they’re competing as individuals and not national automatons? Just a thought.

Being from the VERY SAME GYM, Rebecca Bross goes up on beam and tries to VERY SAME GYM one of Nastia’s most iconic beam moments.

But sadly being NOT EVEN THE DAUGHTER, Bross couldn’t quite pull it off.

Elfi screams YOU’RE KIDDING OH NO because of neutrality, while Al moves quickly into the “this game is stupid anyway and I don’t even care” stage of grief, proclaiming, “it’s certainly not the deepest, most successful field ever assembled at a world championships.”

Dude, do you know how many relatives I would give to have Mustafina, Nabieva, Porgras, and Huang in the same AA final again?

Fun fact: Finishing that routine is the hardest thing Bross has ever had to do in her life. Because Al has been there every step of the way. SO HE KNOWS.

Other things we know for sure: She’ll never get medal after that disgrace.

You know what? It’s really high time that ADI POP WIGGLES slid into this competition’s DMs:

How do you know Adriana Pop choreographed a routine? When the theme is “sand in my swimsuit.”

Now that Bross has fallen, we also move into the “actively rooting for the frrreigners to lose it” portion of the broadcast.

“I thought there were some awkward moments”

I thought you were some awkward moments.

Jiang, meanwhile, retained her iconic 2008 floor routine for the 2010 season, just with the addition of 85% more “mama tired”—like the part where she waits 18 years before attempting her Gogean.

It’s remarkable that they don’t even show Alexandra’s floor routine in this broadcast. For NBC to cut out an American FX from a repackaged all-around broadcast…? Wow. You have to acknowledge the bravery.

You guys, Bross needs a 14.633 on floor to get a bronze medal but it’s so hard to get scores on floor these days some people don’t even get 14.5sssssss what is the world coming too.

Bross’s tumbling passes are extremely pre…BREAKING NEWS SHE SMILED IN THE MIDDLE SHE ACTUALLY SMILED. Well, smack my tooth. Maybe we’ll make a proper woman of her yet.

BUT THEN WHY DIDN’T SHE WHEN HER SCORE CAME UP THAT GAVE HER BRONZE???

I THOUGHT SHE WAS A PROPER WOMAN NOW???

All that’s left is Aliya Mustafina’s coronation floor routine. Everything is amazing. It will always be like this. Who’s Valentina?

Truly the best part of this routine is Aliya finishing and Nabs being like, “I DID ITTTTTT.”

So blah blah blah Foreign won.

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Let’s all return to Dog Intervention so that Tim can pen marriage vows for Aliya (correct), and then they can be like, “Enough of that racket, what’s wrong with Rebecca Bross? Probably a lot, right?”

“She has to smile a little bit more.” YEP THAT’S MY TAKEAWAY TOO GOOD ANALYSIS.

But now let’s get to the real stars of this all-around final…*checks notes*…Nastia Liukin and Alicia Sacramone?

NASTIA IS COMING BACK AND ALICIA FELL ON BEAM IN 2008.

Or, I mean, Alicia won vault gold here. Yeah. That. That’s what we’re talking about.

Nastia and Aliya and Jordyn Wieber and Viktoria Komova will four-way tie for the all-around gold in 2012 end of meet.