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Obviously you didn’t watch, so here’s what went down.
- Nothing
- Why is nothing happening?
- You don’t even have a group of 9-year-old boys with a “different learning style” who can jump rope in a circle to Coldplay like at a normal world cup?
- So Olly has to vamp for 38 minutes about his research into ancient Bulgarian gold hoards
- Eat that, NBC
- The floor boys have finally arrived from their field trip to the oversized shorts factory
- Aurel Benovic has withdrawn and is replaced by Peter Dinklage’s secret Austrian son Martin
- Taking two deep breaths afterward is part of the scale requirement
- Asil tries to slip out to go to a better party but gets caught
- Nope, sit there as we judge you. Nope. Still nope. Three hours left.
- Butcher has to STAND IN BALANCE OUTRAGE
- This is floor. This is correct. This is Marcus Casamento.
- It is artistry though, so the men’s committee needed to put it into the machine to see if it was too gay
- But it passed! Bronze medal! Hooray!
- Romania, what is this and why is it a colon?
- The Penev brothers go 1-2!
- But we do have a “no shirt, no shoes, no silver medal” policy here in Varna
- I mean come on, this isn’t Plovdiv
- Unfortunately, all medalists are automatically conscripted into the navy. Sorrryyyyyy.
- We got a bag of ketchup and forks!
- On to the Yurchenko fulls final
- “Well that’s useful”
- Sass Olly is the best Olly
- When you have to watch all these EuroKarens who don’t even have DTYs
- But then Georgieva falls on her second vault and only gets silver
- I’M THE MARONEY NOW
- Also Georgieva and Gunnarsdottir both jack their legs and the general reaction is
- We’re doing fine
- Olly waited a whole apparatus to mention that it’s Eurovision week. It’s called restraint.
- You get a 0.2 bonus on vault now for adding nothing
- No one can win a vault title with a handspring tuck
- Oh but you can when you’re a vault specialist like Ruby Stacey
- Have we considered it as a Challenge Cup slogan?
- Now let’s welcome the gentlemen for the Who Doesn’t Have Hip Bones final
- Hm, Tiktok says that pommel horse was invented by Druid elders to trick the Knights Templar into believing the moon landing. Noted.
- The three true outcomes on pommel horse are hit, fall, and dislocated perineum during your Mikulak
- Lee Chih Kai’s leg gets hit by a slab of loose air mid-routine
- So that’s illegal
- Are you not entertained????
- Rayan Radkov was announced as Ryan Reynolds and I dare you to tell me otherwise
- The winning pommel horse without sticking trend is real
- Guess what, the uneven bars are broken.
- No, try to look more shocked
- OK ready to mount
- If you cover it up, that means it’s fixed
- Oh god they’re broken again
- Olly has entered the “proto-Slavic word origins” portion of his commentary. Someone save this man with a routine.
- Dismounting with a layout like a child in a world cup final is fine, but heaven forbid a transition be more than E
- #2 qualifier Roper does a pak to ground pound
- So sadly she’s out
- Now Ruby Stacey sticks a double front. Wow, Bulgaria must be her favorite -aria
- Selina Kickinger is up next
- Why did Jenny Rowland start wearing shin guards? Selina Kickinger
- Nola Matthews says “Not Today, Sveta” during her toe full on the low bar, clinching gold
- But then also says, oh I didn’t do anything weird with my body during the actual bars final. Time to make up for it!
- When you’re taking time out to judge Challenge Cup rings right before heading to Parmistan to take on The Game with your Gymkata
- “The clarity of landing not there”
- May I propose an edit:
- Asil is only going to dismount with a double lay and still make you all look foolish
- Did I win a medal, no, but I did win a hernia
- OK, let’s wrap this up
- Lucky for Villafañe, the new bronze medal tiebreak is Give Us A Smile
- Jovtchev presents the rings medals and tells everyone he could still beat them while wearing a banana suit and eating a tostada
- End of day 1!
- Start of day 2!
- The thing about being a former gymnast is that you need the trainer to do a massage gun session before you do…standing
- No one’s leg has fallen off during the men’s vault finallllll
- We just have a few light nervous breakdowns during double fronts. Nothing that can’t be fixed with drugs and alcohol.
- Eddie Penev hits a strong Shewfelt for bronze
- Shewfelt. Men’s gymnastics has instituted a new “Call it a Manmanar, Get Stitches” policy. They’re so sensitive.
- Uh oh, Trinh posts the number for a Shewfelt but only does a DTY
- Liar liar shorts on fire.
- Also, Vietnam, you could sell those shorts to bored gays for $177 apiece. Just if you need to raise competition funds or something
- The yellow-crested Sponevik—the national bird of Norway—hits a Draglescu for the top single vault score of the final and a silver medal
- No getting up, sir! Sit there blankly in your fall! Taste it!
- Tseng does a Zimmerman for gold, and Olly has now reached double rainbow levels of rapture
- Balance beam turns out to be a stay on, win gold kind of affair
- Gold for Kiniuk!
- Obviously, the first three beamers fall, but then Roper saves hers with a big lean and ruins everything for me personally
- Can’t I just have one beam final where all 8 fall?
- This is a move called “I mean it’s just a challenge cup”
- Now that’s a fall. Take notes.
- It may look simple, but doing the cancan during a bat attack can be one of the HARDEST parts of a beam routine.
- Nikol Stoimenova is like, why don’t you just do a back tuck and stay on and get bronze.
- No that’s fine I didn’t need to see it
- I guess Kickinger’s foot closeup is enough for silver?
- Olly is telling us about Theophanes the Confessor, which can only mean one thing
- PBars warmups take foreverrrrrrrrrr
- Oooh, Dinh thought he had the “don’t fully body check the apparatus” championship in the bag
- But then Tvorogal comes in and absolutely crushes him
- Melander with a stellar demonstration of the “fuck this universe in particular” stick
- Nowhere in the code does it say you can’t sigh an entire windstorm and roll your eyes to Mars before quarter-heartedly shooting a basketball as your salute
- It’s not his fault that Arican popped in to be like “enough of that racket I have a gold medal to win” in the middle of his artistic endeavor
- Sofus Heggemsnes comes in to almost fall on every single skill
- Ergashev takes bronze over Dinh on the execution tiebreak
- If your floor routine isn’t about a deranged bird goddess who’s kidnapping the concept of duality, can you even enter a challenge cup?
- Gold medalist Nola Matthews might actually only be the third-most haunted marionette in this final. International competition reality check!
- When the guy calls you Celine instead of Celeste
- So, you know, this is Celine’s fault
- This is also Celine’s fault
- Celine is kind of a bitch
- Looks like Memmel is on the judging panel
- Our coach is also the referee: a gymnastics story
- Antea Sikic Kaucic on footwork, leaps, and kicking
- How to win a medal while doing an entire double tuck out of bounds, by Jennifer Williams
- “She’ll open her routine with Maloney to Pak…”
- “Floor is an opportunity for her to show off her personality”
- So I guess Thelma’s personality is constant screaming gargoyle. No other possible explanation. Your floor routine is your personality.
- Well now I don’t know what to think
- Charlize Mörz has been introduced as Charleems Mwebs
- Mwebs is the haunted marionette with the most tumblies, which wins silver
- The high bar final opens with Robert Tvorogal and oh he hit and that’s it, the final is over
- My proposal to just compete in reverse order of qualification standings was once again thrown into the great idea shredder
- Sofus does a Liukin and then the feed cuts out for 30 minutes
- I don’t know what that means, but it means something
- Georgiou wins silver and Asil wins bronze and I don’t know whatever it’s over
- No wait, this shirt is the new Challenge Cup slogan
