Hey guys, NBC here. We have a whole special for you about making the US team!
Oh, no, not like that time we did it
Or like that time we did it
Our track record with these isn’t great, is it?
Anyway, let’s try again!
The Emmy for Most Honest Faces When Hearing the Scores goes to Alicia Sacramone Quinn
Let’s announce the winner of the all-around who is automatically on the team
OMG KERRI MADE THE TEAM!
Wait, why is Kerri all in this?
Because of golden queen Atlanta Olympic legacy!
“We’ve been on the medal podium at every Olympics ever since.”
But that’s in the past. Now let’s meet the next generation of gymnasts, like Leanne Wong and Skye Blakely!
I guess “next generation” sounded better than “let’s meet the people who didn’t make the last two Olympic teams so aren’t on Dancing with the Stars right now and settled for this instead!”
Now let’s learn all the fun nicknames for the gymnasts, like The CEO…
What are you talking about? All the kids call Ashlee Sullivan “First Year Student at UCLA.”
Pick one single place to do this where there isn’t a fucking goat challenge
Nope. September jack-o’-lanterns. Disqualified.
Annie Heffernon explains her duties to us
Then she tells us about how the day one AA winner automatically makes the team
And then what about day 2?
And then Betty and Chellsie are all
Yeah OK we get it
Ashlee Sullivan goes “quiet part loud” about this year’s worlds field
Now we’ll let each gymnast tell you exactly one fun fact about her elbow and/or psychological problems
Leanne first made national team back in the year 20—BOWWWWWWS. Bows. Bows. Bows. She has no medals. Just bows. So many bows.
Skye is hoping for an individual spot on the team. But try this on: they’re all individual spots.
And Gabrielle Hardie has 98 siblings who won’t stop skiing or something
Chellsie and Alicia tell us that things are different now because the gymnasts can smile and laugh and eat a carb
Instead of frown and shake and eat Martha’s stress farts
But what happens when WOGA and GAGE roll up?
A competition montage!
Let’s mostly talk about someone yelling, “Let’s go, Ass!” before Ashlee Sullivan’s floor.
And following it with, “She stayed in bounds, right?” as she goes 16 miles out of bounds
Yada, yada, yada Dulcy won and is genuinely shocked because they all thought Josc had won
But Josc must have been deducted on vault for Make It or Break It cuts
As for day 2…
Nope. Nope. Absolutely not. We are not doing “call backs.”
The Leadership tries very hard to explain what’s happening on day 2
Without saying that the team is going to be Leanne, Josc, and Skye
Dulcy does an audition (call back?????) for her 2028 fluff piece by showing pictures of being in the crowd in 2024. Compelling.
Now it’s competition montage day 2, ending with the big finish—a timer!
At the end, everyone gets together to recite the new chant: “We are proud, we are grateful, we are honored, we are Team USA.”
Now it’s time for the meeting of the selection committee, which this definitely is
Jessie, you’ve changed!
Anyway, I guess the team is this meme Alicia saw
OK Betty what’s the team
Ugh fine, Chellsie can you tell us the team?
Oh my god, sound it out maybe?
Okayyyyyyyy it’s Dulcy, Leanne, Josc, and Skye!
They picked them because of incredible person and humanity and not at all D score
How would you sum it up, Betty?
Is that going on the logo?
