Category Archives: Stuff and Nonsense

Unfortunately, Things Are Happening – October 28, 2016

A. Everything’s fine. This is all fine. 

Jane Doe #2, in addition to confirming her own experience of all those fun Larry Nassar details that we heard about from Jane Doe #1, is also naming the Karolyis.

The lawsuit further accuses Bela and Marta Karolyi of:

  • Striking the gymnasts, scratching them until they bled and encouraging parents to hit their children.
  • Depriving gymnasts of food and water and searching the gymnasts’ rooms to find and confiscate hidden food.
  • Screaming obscenities at the gymnasts; telling them that they were fat; and requiring them to strip to their underwear so that their physical appearance could be judged in front of their peers.

What was that, NBC?



It’s looking more and more like the organization won’t just be able to pull the USA Gymnastics Special and cover the volcano in wallpaper again about this one. Continue reading Unfortunately, Things Are Happening – October 28, 2016

Things Are Happening – October 21, 2016

A. The Era of House Watanabe

The FIG’s biennial Wearing Suits And Patting Each Other On The Back convention took place in Tokyo this week, and everyone wore a suit and patted each other the back for just being so darn great.

Unlike most years, the 2016 congress was actually worth paying attention to because it featured Bruno Grandi officially turning to ooze and seeping through a grate in the floor to return to his native state, followed by the selection of his successor.

The nominees, Morinari Watanabe and Georges Guelzec, were compelled to face off against each other in three categories: the joust, the compulsory vault, and the Salt-N-Pepa lip sync. Guelzec did well in the joust, but failed to show an appropriate piked shape in both the vault and lip sync portions, giving the competition to Watanabe pretty handily.

We’re all thrilled because Watanabe is the first non-European ever to hold this position (no corrupt nepotism here…) and seems the more likely of the two candidates to avoid being Grandi Part 2. His proposal was also very focused on doing more to help the smaller federations grow, which is a smart way to earn support in an election where everyone’s vote is worth the same. There are a lot more smaller federations than powerful federations. Continue reading Things Are Happening – October 21, 2016

Things Are Happening – October 14, 2016

A. The Thormanar

Because it’s getting to the point where Eythora Thorsdottir sneezes and it’s the most elegant thing to happen in your entire life, I’ll start this week with the video of Thorsdottir training an Amanar (in case you couldn’t tell we’re in the offseason).

So…it’s actually not horrifically unrealistic.

If you’re like me, when you clicked on “Eythora Thorsdottir Amanar” you kind of expected it to be one of those videos where they complete a full twist after they’re already sideways in the pit and then are like, “I have an Amanar!” You don’t. You don’t have an Amanar. This actually could be a real thing given time.

B. SEC Network Schedule

Following the Pac-12’s lead, the SEC Network has announced its coverage plans for 2017, which feature more meets on TV and fewer online—at least so far—compared to last season. I assume other online meets, especially against non-conference opponents, will be confirmed and added later. For instance, Georgia hosts Utah on March 11th, and we’re going to need to see that somehow, K? K. It should basically be simulcast on every network like the debates. Continue reading Things Are Happening – October 14, 2016

Things Are (Barely) Happening – October 7, 2016

A. Szombathely World Cup

The World Cup circuit is back. I can hear your enthusiasm from here. This weekend, twos of gymnasts have traveled to Szombathely, Hungary (and if you haven’t started calling this the Szombie World Cup, then we’re getting a divorce) where they will gather together and BERKI.

Sorry, I got distracted because that’s really the only thing happening at this event. Krisztian “The Legs” Berki has returned to competition following his reign as Mr. Exemplification of the Flaws of the Olympic Qualification System 2016. He and Larisa Iordache wore their tiaras quite well. And…he’s still good at pommel horse. Great. Check.

Other competitors include Emily Little (performing a DTY), Xie Yufen (China’s second-tier bars queen who can do a 6.5 D but got 6.3 here), and apparently not Bai Yawen, who was on the entry list but did not compete in today’s qualification because she hates you. Continue reading Things Are (Barely) Happening – October 7, 2016

Things Are Happening – September 30, 2016

A. The Valeri Era

The Valera?

I was really hoping the ranch would suddenly be plastered with wall-to-wall posters of Nastia. Or that Valeri had gone all “I’m not like a regular Martha, I’m a cool Martha” and they were sitting in a drum circle now.

Also, I think Valeri is shorter than Morgan Hurd.

Anyway, the first national team camp of the new dynasty is underway, with most of the usual-suspect juniors and non-specials invited to the ranch to gossip about what they think is happening on the tour. Or maybe for gymnastics. Kind of. It’s only September, and it’s Valeri’s first day. This camp is just about calling roll, handing out the syllabus, and going over the semester’s major assignments and general expectations.

You know Martha’s there in the back hiding in a scarf like

Ugh, you again? Continue reading Things Are Happening – September 30, 2016

Things Are Happening — September 23, 2016

A. So, this is a thing

Very important. Must watch. Immediately.

It’s literally just a trailer for the Alexei Nemov Russian Acid Trip Safari of Stars, but I’m still going to have to do a full recap of it. I don’t even know if this stuff happened this year, or in a previous year, or in Nikita Khrushchev’s drunken deathbed fever dream, and I care 0%.

If you’re wondering why I was so disappointed by the Sochi opening ceremony in 2014, it’s because I wanted it to be this exactly.

That video thumbnail of a man-eagle handing the Olympic torch to Alexei Nemov in a dragon leotard is only like the 13th-most insane that happens. In the trailer. Camels.


B. Vanessa Ferrari re-un-de-retires kind of

Lesson #324 never to listen to any whispers of retirement you hear in the six months surrounding the Olympics. We were definitely told during the Olympics that Vanessa Ferrari was planning to retire, but she said on instagram recently that her carriera agonistica isn’t over yet. Potentially. We’ll see. Apparently, she wants another shot at finishing fourth in an Olympic floor final. Continue reading Things Are Happening — September 23, 2016