Obviously you didn’t watch, so here’s what went down.

• Nothing

• Why is nothing happening?

• You don’t even have a group of 9-year-old boys with a “different learning style” who can jump rope in a circle to Coldplay like at a normal world cup?

• So Olly has to vamp for 38 minutes about his research into ancient Bulgarian gold hoards

• Eat that, NBC

• The floor boys have finally arrived from their field trip to the oversized shorts factory

• Aurel Benovic has withdrawn and is replaced by Peter Dinklage’s secret Austrian son Martin

• Taking two deep breaths afterward is part of the scale requirement

• Asil tries to slip out to go to a better party but gets caught

• Nope, sit there as we judge you. Nope. Still nope. Three hours left.

• Butcher has to STAND IN BALANCE OUTRAGE

• This is floor. This is correct. This is Marcus Casamento.

• It is artistry though, so the men’s committee needed to put it into the machine to see if it was too gay

• But it passed! Bronze medal! Hooray!

• Romania, what is this and why is it a colon?

• The Penev brothers go 1-2!

• But we do have a “no shirt, no shoes, no silver medal” policy here in Varna

• I mean come on, this isn’t Plovdiv

• Unfortunately, all medalists are automatically conscripted into the navy. Sorrryyyyyy.

• We got a bag of ketchup and forks!

• On to the Yurchenko fulls final

• “Well that’s useful”

• Sass Olly is the best Olly

• When you have to watch all these EuroKarens who don’t even have DTYs

• But then Georgieva falls on her second vault and only gets silver

• I’M THE MARONEY NOW

• Also Georgieva and Gunnarsdottir both jack their legs and the general reaction is

• We’re doing fine

• Olly waited a whole apparatus to mention that it’s Eurovision week. It’s called restraint.

• You get a 0.2 bonus on vault now for adding nothing

• No one can win a vault title with a handspring tuck

• Oh but you can when you’re a vault specialist like Ruby Stacey

• Have we considered it as a Challenge Cup slogan?

• Now let’s welcome the gentlemen for the Who Doesn’t Have Hip Bones final

• Hm, Tiktok says that pommel horse was invented by Druid elders to trick the Knights Templar into believing the moon landing. Noted.

• The three true outcomes on pommel horse are hit, fall, and dislocated perineum during your Mikulak

• Lee Chih Kai’s leg gets hit by a slab of loose air mid-routine

• So that’s illegal

• Are you not entertained????

• Rayan Radkov was announced as Ryan Reynolds and I dare you to tell me otherwise

• The winning pommel horse without sticking trend is real

• Guess what, the uneven bars are broken.

• No, try to look more shocked

• OK ready to mount

• If you cover it up, that means it’s fixed

• Oh god they’re broken again

• Olly has entered the “proto-Slavic word origins” portion of his commentary. Someone save this man with a routine.

• Dismounting with a layout like a child in a world cup final is fine, but heaven forbid a transition be more than E

• #2 qualifier Roper does a pak to ground pound

• So sadly she’s out

• Now Ruby Stacey sticks a double front. Wow, Bulgaria must be her favorite -aria

• Selina Kickinger is up next

• Why did Jenny Rowland start wearing shin guards? Selina Kickinger

• Nola Matthews says “Not Today, Sveta” during her toe full on the low bar, clinching gold

• But then also says, oh I didn’t do anything weird with my body during the actual bars final. Time to make up for it!

• When you’re taking time out to judge Challenge Cup rings right before heading to Parmistan to take on The Game with your Gymkata

• “The clarity of landing not there”

• May I propose an edit:

• Asil is only going to dismount with a double lay and still make you all look foolish

• Did I win a medal, no, but I did win a hernia

• OK, let’s wrap this up

• Lucky for Villafañe, the new bronze medal tiebreak is Give Us A Smile

• Jovtchev presents the rings medals and tells everyone he could still beat them while wearing a banana suit and eating a tostada

• End of day 1!

• Start of day 2!

• The thing about being a former gymnast is that you need the trainer to do a massage gun session before you do…standing

• No one’s leg has fallen off during the men’s vault finallllll

• We just have a few light nervous breakdowns during double fronts. Nothing that can’t be fixed with drugs and alcohol.

• Eddie Penev hits a strong Shewfelt for bronze

• Shewfelt. Men’s gymnastics has instituted a new “Call it a Manmanar, Get Stitches” policy. They’re so sensitive.

• Uh oh, Trinh posts the number for a Shewfelt but only does a DTY

• Liar liar shorts on fire.

• Also, Vietnam, you could sell those shorts to bored gays for $177 apiece. Just if you need to raise competition funds or something

• The yellow-crested Sponevik—the national bird of Norway—hits a Draglescu for the top single vault score of the final and a silver medal

• No getting up, sir! Sit there blankly in your fall! Taste it!

• Tseng does a Zimmerman for gold, and Olly has now reached double rainbow levels of rapture

• Balance beam turns out to be a stay on, win gold kind of affair

• Gold for Kiniuk!

• Obviously, the first three beamers fall, but then Roper saves hers with a big lean and ruins everything for me personally

• Can’t I just have one beam final where all 8 fall?

• This is a move called “I mean it’s just a challenge cup”

• Now that’s a fall. Take notes.

• It may look simple, but doing the cancan during a bat attack can be one of the HARDEST parts of a beam routine.

• Nikol Stoimenova is like, why don’t you just do a back tuck and stay on and get bronze.

• No that’s fine I didn’t need to see it

• I guess Kickinger’s foot closeup is enough for silver?

• Olly is telling us about Theophanes the Confessor, which can only mean one thing

• PBars warmups take foreverrrrrrrrrr

• Oooh, Dinh thought he had the “don’t fully body check the apparatus” championship in the bag

• But then Tvorogal comes in and absolutely crushes him

• Melander with a stellar demonstration of the “fuck this universe in particular” stick

• Nowhere in the code does it say you can’t sigh an entire windstorm and roll your eyes to Mars before quarter-heartedly shooting a basketball as your salute

• It’s not his fault that Arican popped in to be like “enough of that racket I have a gold medal to win” in the middle of his artistic endeavor

• Sofus Heggemsnes comes in to almost fall on every single skill

• Ergashev takes bronze over Dinh on the execution tiebreak

• If your floor routine isn’t about a deranged bird goddess who’s kidnapping the concept of duality, can you even enter a challenge cup?

• Gold medalist Nola Matthews might actually only be the third-most haunted marionette in this final. International competition reality check!

• When the guy calls you Celine instead of Celeste

• So, you know, this is Celine’s fault

• This is also Celine’s fault

• Celine is kind of a bitch

• Looks like Memmel is on the judging panel

• Our coach is also the referee: a gymnastics story

• Antea Sikic Kaucic on footwork, leaps, and kicking

• How to win a medal while doing an entire double tuck out of bounds, by Jennifer Williams

• “She’ll open her routine with Maloney to Pak…”

• “Floor is an opportunity for her to show off her personality”

• So I guess Thelma’s personality is constant screaming gargoyle. No other possible explanation. Your floor routine is your personality.

• Well now I don’t know what to think

• Charlize Mörz has been introduced as Charleems Mwebs

• Mwebs is the haunted marionette with the most tumblies, which wins silver

• The high bar final opens with Robert Tvorogal and oh he hit and that’s it, the final is over

• My proposal to just compete in reverse order of qualification standings was once again thrown into the great idea shredder

• Sofus does a Liukin and then the feed cuts out for 30 minutes

• I don’t know what that means, but it means something

• Georgiou wins silver and Asil wins bronze and I don’t know whatever it’s over

• No wait, this shirt is the new Challenge Cup slogan