Monthly Archives: June 2016

Great Moments in Gymnastics

American Horror Story: The Ranch

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Now, listen to the audio version of this post.

So, this happened. Don’t pretend it didn’t.

On the first day of women’s nationals, NBC brought us a protracted Bela gargle masquerading as a profile of how the Karolyi ranch has shaped the last nine months of American gymnastics, starring Laurie Hernandez, that picture of Kerri Strug, and some of a camel.

Let’s begin, shall we?

The voice of Kristen Bell greets us to tell us that it has been a year since her best friend, Lilly Kane, was murdered.

Probably at the ranch.

As Kristen explains, there’s a place that’s known all around the world simply as “Martha’s Secret Forest Murder Camp.” Or, I mean, “The Ranch.” Yeah, that’s it. That’s what everyone calls it. Nothing else.

It welcomes dreams, desires, dedication, and like not even that many torn ACLs anymore I swear.

Meanwhile, Bela is busy disposing of the body.

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Unckie Bela is just sort of committing random and unnecessary acts of deforestation—if a tree falls in the forest, does it say, “YOU CAN DO IT”?—while sliding into your nightmares like…

belagif

BA-dum. BA-dum, BA-dum.

Apparently, Bela is the star of gymnastics, which is why it’s important to profile him for 98% this piece even though he has nothing to do with the current program or gymnasts and has basically been dead for 10 years. Don’t forget your history, guys. He’s important. “I coached Mary Lou, and Kim, and what-do-you-call-her, and the ugly one.” Thanks, Bela. OH THE MEMORIES.

Also, did Bela just try to name Carly in that list of his champion gymnasts?

Although to be fair, I couldn’t tell if he said “Carly” or “Grlrgly.” Each as likely as the other.

Martha is also here. WHO?

We catch up with Martha Claus as she emerges from her glorious forest palace, clutching a list of who has been naughty and who has been thin.

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This is also our first introduction to Kristen Bell’s fabulous and self-consciously accurate pronunciation of Martha. She hits that t like a BOSS. That’s like how Dominique Moceanu pronounces it, except without the cauldron of roiling magma. Continue reading American Horror Story: The Ranch →

Olympics, P&G Championships

Post-Championships Olympic Prospects

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So…what happened at nationals? Nothing? Probably nothing.

A. YAWNSVILLE

Simone did Simone things and was brilliant in spite of taking up arms for World War III about her day 2 wobblefest beam routine. This is the major problem with NBC basically bestowing her with five automatic gold medals. Beam is still beam. “Oh, you only won four gold medals at the Olympics? Loser disappointment.”

Aly Raisman also received 5 out of 5 brick houses for bringing back Steady Aly to a degree we haven’t seen since 2012. Her eight routines were all exact duplicates of each other, just like we expect from her. It may be a hologram-fraud situation. MIHAI IS A CHARLATAN.

B. ???

Mostly, we need to talk about NBC’s team graphic, which made every human go, “But really?” and featured a wildly haphazard and truly offensive number of superfluous question marks. A) Three question marks is always too many question marks in a non-ironic context. One question mark will suffice. B) I definitely don’t have that many question marks about this team.

Laurie Hernandez came to nationals with a chance to confirm her spot on the Olympic team by hitting her normal routines, which she did. Tying Raisman on the first day and finishing third overall simply reinforced that she has become an integral part of the team at the level of Raisman and Douglas. She’s not Plan B. She’s Plan A.

C. OMG DOUGLAS IS HORRIBLE GARBAGE AND SHOULD BE NOTHING AND THE ALTERNATE Continue reading Post-Championships Olympic Prospects →

P&G Championships

Women’s Day 2 Live Blog: Watchful Eyes Are Watchful

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The men’s trials probably should have been the culmination of this competition since nothing will match the tension and anticipation of last night, what with the women still in the larval stage of selecting a team and having an overall less controversial and fraught process than the men.

In further knife-made-of-lemon-juice news, the men’s alternates have been announced as Whittenburg, Leyva, and Modi, while Paul Ruggeri was given a sack of old rags and Mattie Larson’s phone number. It’s probably the right choice for alternates because someone needed to be pommel horse. Otherwise, if Naddour goes down…what would you even do? Put a basket of wishes first up in the team final? Because of pommel horse, Modi may actually be the most likely to go in if there’s an injury in a Sasha Artemev-type situation. Whittenburg is the backup for Dalton and Leyva is the backup for Brooks, but if anyone else goes down, horse may be the biggest worry.

The junior women also finished up competition today with Maile O’Keefe remaining the one who hits her routines for the win. McCusker held on for second in spite of a bars hrmmm, and Perea improved on her day 1 beam to claim third. Morgan Hurd had a bad one on beam and floor to drop to fifth, but impressing were both of the Buckeyes, Shania Adams on bars and Shilese Jones on vault and floor, and Trinity Thomas, who is going to be a thing in a couple years. Watching Thomas in this meet felt like watching the part of the fluff piece where they show old footage of the star gymnast back when she was young. This is the meet they’ll use.

Now, it’s time for the senior women. There’s not a ton of urgency in today’s performances. There’s the continuing Koclear battle of course, and Douglas probably needs a comeback score just to get the vultures off her back (though I maintain she didn’t really do anything to jeopardize her place on night one), but Biles, Raisman, and Hernandez look right on track and Nichols’ routines of consequence will be vault and floor at trials, not bars and beam here.

Still, national championship. Olympic year. Crazy-ass Trautwig comments. There’s a lot to play for. Get ready.

Continue reading Women’s Day 2 Live Blog: Watchful Eyes Are Watchful →

Olympic Trials

Mikulak, Dalton, Naddour, Brooks, Orozco

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Well, we’ve all aged several years.

I actually don’t hate this team, contrary to what Amy Poehler’s face says. It’s been a long night. And Paul Feelings are not easily shaken off by logic or reality.

There will be plenty of time to dissect this in detail in the coming weeks, and then in even more detail after the US finishes fifth in the team final (too soon…?), but the US men’s Olympic team has been named following the harrowing events of the second day of Olympic Trials.

In a tender piece of mercy, Paul Ruggeri obliged us by falling on high bar in the first millisecond of the meet, ensuring that he was not getting selected in this lifetime and sparing our nerves and feelings once the announcement of the team rolled around. Scoring below Naddour on vault also didn’t help.

The big news here was the eviction of Donnell Whittenburg, which is more of a surprise of perception than it is of reality. If you’ve been reading my posts about the men’s team, I kept saying, “I do think Whittenburg will be on the team, BUT…” which is a reflection of his perceived status in the group (making all those worlds teams, being an American Cup choice…) but also the fact that running the team permutations kept spitting back convincing teams that did not include him.

During the broadcast, Tim was talking a lot about “oh…this rings score here, these floor landings there,” but really I think it came down to the fact that he and Jake Dalton cancel each other out. A team with both of them would always have some serious deficiencies on a couple other events. (There was still an argument for a Mikulak, Dalton, Whittenburg, Orozco, Leyva team that didn’t have those deficiencies, but Naddour put an end to that argument with his trials performance. That team wasn’t happening.)

Whittenburg didn’t so much throw his spot away, as we may hear. He just got beat by Jake Dalton. Dalton was better. And the strong performances from Brooks and Orozco at trials suddenly created a Whittenburg-less team option that might actually be able to score…theoretically…OK.

I really did enjoy our narrative switch from night 1 of “WHITTENBURG IS THE #2 LOCK” to night 2 of “WHITTENBURG HAS ONLY VERY LITTLE CHANCE.” Methinks Tim had a little sit down with the selection committee where they explained some things to him in a “Whittenburg is not making this team” kind of way.

Continue reading Mikulak, Dalton, Naddour, Brooks, Orozco →