Today’s journey into the archives of gymnastics goes back just a single decade to the 2010 gymnastics season—the last time you were happy, probably.

On this occasion, we meet the trio in some sort of preposterous sit-down setting with foliage, like they’re doing a Today Show segment on how to host an intervention for your dog.

Elfi’s specialist subject.

Al and Tim begin by discussing Rebecca “Very Same Gym” Bross, who comes from the Very Same Gym. Can you believe it. The VERY SAME GYM.

Very same.

Anyway, the deal with Bross is that she fell on floor at 2009 worlds, end of biography byeeeeeeeee.

Meanwhile: “Men’s gymnastics has Kohei Uchimura. Women’s gymnastics has Aliya Mustafina.”

Al asks Elfi to weigh in on how she DOMINATED that Ann Taylor Loft.

Also whether DIVA Aliya Mustafina is an Evil Diva who is diva. Answer: Much diva. You should probably hate her. She isn’t even a pure American apple pie next door.

OMG THE DIVA IS PALPABLE.

Continue reading COVID Coping: 2010 All-Around →

Welp, I watched Full Out 2: Still Out immediately upon its release—and I’m assuming you did not do the same—so let’s walk through some important things you missed out on, like

Very accurate jargon

The part where KJ saw Brenna’s gymnastics for the very first time

And then imparted some BRAND NEW INFORMATION to her

Important technique analysis!

Continue reading 2 Full 2 Out →

Albertricus Trautwig welcomes us the 2003 team final by revealing that Chellsie Memmel is “in the news for all the wrong reasons.”

I mean, did she steal a bank?

No, but Chellsie did receive a last-minute phone call to join Team USA. BIG CRIME HEADLINE.

“Ring ring it’s Martha, hope you’ve been eating your air salad, now strap into that leotard and thin me four events in a team final. okhateyoubyee.”

Continue reading COVID Coping: 2003 Team Final →

Finding the will to continue living can be challenging in a time like this, so I decided to watch the 2012 Olympic All-Around final—I think for the first time since it happened. More specifically, the NBC broadcast where they showed about six routines and were like, “This is gymnastics. Eat it.”

It’s a real doozy.

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We are welcomed to the broadcast by the Crown Priestess of All-Around, Nastia Liukin, sounding like an 8-year-old bird for some reason. I’m reminded of the fact that she’s about to kill Elfi and bury her body in the woods 13 seconds after this Olympics ends, and that’s adding a rich drizzle of nuance to this voiceover.

Sure, Mary Lou and Carly may have won before Nastia, but send those footnotes out to pasture because 2008 was better and more important and Nastia.

Alas, now it is the year 2012. Nastia has reigned long enough and is ready to hand her crown over to someone else.

…starting now.

“Tonight, it’s all about Gabby and Aly,” and definitely not Olga and Rhoda or whatever those other goddamn names are.

BUT WAIT. What if you—an honest and true and pure American who works hard and deserves a gold medal because of Good Guys Team—might have it callously snatched away from you? And by a RUSSIAN no less? A Russian who definitely hasn’t worked hard and doesn’t deserve a gold medal, because of Russia and Yucky Poo Poo Team.

That would be gross and bad.

What’s that you say? Why yes, it IS super weird that Nastia had to deliver the quadrennial We Can’t Let Evil Russians Beat The Good Guys Team address.

Continue reading Covid Coping: 2012 All-Around Final →

This extended Brady Bunch parody will really connect with the youths.

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“What…do I do…with my face?” – Chris Waller, 1999

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Because if I were to compare any gymnast to Alice from The Brady Bunch, it would be Blaine Wilson.

Continue reading 1999 Reese’s Cup GIF-Cap →