When Wolf Turns Go Bad

The fear.

The anger.

No matter where we come from, no matter who we are, all humans are bound together by the irrepressible storm of pain and fury we experience whenever anyone assumes the telltale position.

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The wolf turn.

Man’s greatest predator.

Our fear of it is instinctive, animalistic, coded in our DNA. Like all primates, human beings inherently mistrust the wolf turn as a defense mechanism to ensure eye preservation. It’s just too dangerous. Too unflattering. In all contexts. Always. For everyone. There’s a reason no one looks at the Mona Lisa and says, “This would be nicer if she were squatting.”

But I believe we can be better than this. We can rise above our basest instincts and, through a process of exposure therapy, shrug off our irrational fear of the wolf and embrace it for what it truly is: a hilarious disasterpiece that may be gymnastics’ greatest gift of all.

And with so much material, how could we ever tire of our newest friend?

At Secret Classic alone, it brought us the old Texas two-step…

That was a double. What? Shut up.
Ending pose!

The ingredients are 1.5 cups wolf turn, and half a cup “grandma’s vertigo is getting worse.”

The 1.5 wolf turn can also be connected directly to Surfin’ USA for 0.2 CV.

Got it, got it, got it, got it, STOP CRAP.

Then sometimes, your leg dies and falls into a pool of quicksand. Which you totally wanted it to. Normal.

Wrist flick of elegance! They’ll never suspect a thing! I AM THE JAMES BOND OF GYMNASTICS.

And sometimes, through no fault of your own, you can be Sarah Finnegan-ing along when you suddenly get attacked by a colony of bats during the National Limbo Semifinals.


The real shame is when you’re nearly all the way through your wolf turn then get possessed by a basketball-dunking river ghost.


So close!

Don’t barf. Don’t barf. Don’t barf.
I barfed.

Don’t mind me. I just need to sit down forever and ever.

Inter-dimensional time travel is another of the wolf turn’s neat tricks.

Warp World 4.

And they never saw Jazzy Foberg again.

This is easy. You just have to OH LORD NO I’M STANDING. I meant to be standing. Who was falling? I wasn’t falling. I’m standing. Hi.

It’s a twister! It’s a twister! Save the women and chickens first!

And much like a Kentucky trailer park, sometimes you end up upside-down and backwards.

Where am I? Mommy????

So, when in doubt, take a lesson from Miss Desiderio.


What are you doing?
A wolf turn.
That was just your arm.
Wait, am I not doing it?



18 thoughts on “When Wolf Turns Go Bad”

  1. Tears! Actual tears of laughter at the commentary! I want even the good wolf turns to go away. There’s no elegance to be found anywhere in the skill.

    1. The only person I’ve ever seen do decent wolf turns is Lauren Mitchell, almost all the others just force it around for the value (cough America cough)

      1. Wait wait wait, I don’t think that’s very fair to Simone Biles or Sarah Finnegan (the only tolerable wolf turns in my opinion).

        I still think Ragan Smiths is funny because she basically stands up during hers.

  2. wolf turn should be banned for good if you are a non-Simone. Marthaaaaa do something!

  3. What if we started a wolf turn riot at nationals? Im sitting near bars, so im not sure how effective I’ll be, but i’m in for whatevs!

  4. I honestly laugh so hard at your posts. You are a brilliant, brilliant man. I want to meet you in all your genius so we can be besties…

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