Albertricus Trautwig welcomes us the 2003 team final by revealing that Chellsie Memmel is “in the news for all the wrong reasons.”
I mean, did she steal a bank?
No, but Chellsie did receive a last-minute phone call to join Team USA. BIG CRIME HEADLINE.
“Ring ring it’s Martha, hope you’ve been eating your air salad, now strap into that leotard and thin me four events in a team final. okhateyoubyee.”
Continue reading COVID Coping: 2003 Team FinalInterested in a pointless exercise? SAMESIES! Hey, what else are we going to do?
I decided to take the US 2008 Olympic team and calculate their D-scores as if they were competing now—under the 2020 code—to see how things might change.
And they sort of do!
(Save all comments about comparing a 10-skill code to an 8-skill code and composition choices and all that. No one is pretending this is real or means anything.)
Here’s what the D-Score hierarchy would be for that team under the 2020 code.
| VT | UB | BB | FX | TOTAL | |
| Shawn Johnson | 5.8 | 5.3 | 6.2 | 5.7 | 23.0 |
| Nastia Liukin | 5.0 | 6.0 | 5.5 | 5.2 | 21.7 |
| Chellsie Memmel | 5.0 | 5.7 | 5.5 | 5.5 | 21.7 |
| Sam Peszek | 5.4 | 5.2 | 5.6 | 5.5 | 21.7 |
| Bridget Sloan | 5.4 | 5.2 | 5.2 | 5.2 | 21.0 |
| Alicia Sacramone | 5.8 | 5.7 | 5.4 | 16.9 |
Compared to the actual actual D-Scores (A-Scores) awarded at the time.
| VT | UB | BB | FX | TOTAL | |
| Shawn Johnson | 6.5 | 6.4 | 6.9 | 6.6 | 26.4 |
| Nastia Liukin | 5.5 | 7.7 | 6.7 | 6.2 | 26.1 |
| Chellsie Memmel | 5.5 | 7.0 | 6.9 | 6.2 | 25.6 |
| Sam Peszek | 5.8 | 6.2 | 6.6 | 6.4 | 25.0 |
| Bridget Sloan | 5.8 | 6.7 | 6.1 | 6.1 | 24.7 |
| Alicia Sacramone | 6.3 | 6.5 | 6.2 | 19.0 |
2. Remind your loser teammates not to touch their faces
3. Acknowledge others as little as possible
Finding the will to continue living can be challenging in a time like this, so I decided to watch the 2012 Olympic All-Around final—I think for the first time since it happened. More specifically, the NBC broadcast where they showed about six routines and were like, “This is gymnastics. Eat it.”
It’s a real doozy.
We are welcomed to the broadcast by the Crown Priestess of All-Around, Nastia Liukin, sounding like an 8-year-old bird for some reason. I’m reminded of the fact that she’s about to kill Elfi and bury her body in the woods 13 seconds after this Olympics ends, and that’s adding a rich drizzle of nuance to this voiceover.
Sure, Mary Lou and Carly may have won before Nastia, but send those footnotes out to pasture because 2008 was better and more important and Nastia.
Alas, now it is the year 2012. Nastia has reigned long enough and is ready to hand her crown over to someone else.
…starting now.
“Tonight, it’s all about Gabby and Aly,” and definitely not Olga and Rhoda or whatever those other goddamn names are.
BUT WAIT. What if you—an honest and true and pure American who works hard and deserves a gold medal because of Good Guys Team—might have it callously snatched away from you? And by a RUSSIAN no less? A Russian who definitely hasn’t worked hard and doesn’t deserve a gold medal, because of Russia and Yucky Poo Poo Team.
That would be gross and bad.
What’s that you say? Why yes, it IS super weird that Nastia had to deliver the quadrennial We Can’t Let Evil Russians Beat The Good Guys Team address.
Continue reading Covid Coping: 2012 All-Around Final
