The Balance Beam Situation

Because gymnastics is a comedy, not a drama

Flatten the Curve, with Svetlana Khorkina

  1. Don’t touch your face

2. Remind your loser teammates not to touch their faces

3. Acknowledge others as little as possible

4. And make sure they respect social distancing

5. Yell at them if they don’t

6. Or hang up on them

7. And be a diva as needed

8. Only walk through hallways alone and dramatically

9. Be sure to distance yourself from contaminated items

10. Stay in self-isolation

11. And maintain a clear circle of space around your statue

12. Make fun of those people who buy all the toilet paper

13. Keep your tongue to yourself

14. And don’t run your disgusting little finger along your plaques

15. You know your Red Square beam routine can wait

16. The current situation may suck, but make the most of it

17. Because some dance moves are better performed alone

18. I know it’s tough out there with no meets

19. And super annoying all the time

20. But we’ll get through it together

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