The Balance Beam Situation

Because gymnastics is a comedy, not a drama

American Dancing

Today’s dance lesson comes courtesy of guest instructors Kerri and Kristen, who will provide a few easy steps to get even the most anvil-footed beginners moving like champions.

Step 1: Accept death

Step 2: Literally just give up

Step 3: It’s over

Step 4: Pray

“In the name of the Father, the Cornrow, and the Holy Mrs. Strauss.”

Step 5: Warm up those wrists

The American uses all parts of the wrist.

It is sacred in their culture.

Step 6: Know where your foot is, kind of

If you miss it the first couple times, don’t worry. We’re all beginners here.

Step 7: Always remember that dancing is 30% talent, 70% kicking

Step 8: Horse parade

Step 9: When you get stabbed in the left elbow, just keep going

Give it a pat.

It’ll be right as rain in no time, opening doors and developing a dangerous mind of its own that must be suppressed with violence.

Step 10: Butt check the haters, you’re a star!

Step 11: Then just…scratch it on the ground for a while.

Ahhh, that’s better.

Privacy recommended for that one. Though not mandatory.

Step 12: Do your job with grateful enthusiasm.

You don’t have to throw two beer steins out the window. You GET to throw two beer steins out the window.

You don’t have to squish those pelicans. You GET to squish those pelicans.

Step 13: Honey, don’t put that in your hair

Step 14: Learn all the hippest dance crazes as practice

Be sure not to forget the “Fart and Run Away”

The “Fart and Just Live with It”

Or the “We’re Actually Starting to Really Worry about Cynthia”

Step 15: Love yourself

I’m…too sexy for my patella. Too sexy for my rotator cuff. Too sexy.

Steps 16–722: Hoedowns

We’ll be spending the rest of the semester on hoedowns. The most important chapter in your textbooks.

Remember: Heel. Heel.

And that’s all there is to it!

Pretty soon, you’ll be able to do it even while showing off your homemade wares at the village bazaar.

Step 723: Chicken dance Betty Boop Rockettes

Class dismissed.


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