The Balance Beam Situation

Because gymnastics is a comedy, not a drama

Things Are Happening – December 5, 2019

A. Intrasquad Weekend

Thursday, December 5
6:30pm MT – Arizona State – Maroon & Gold – Web Stream

Friday, December 6
4:00pm ET – Towson – Black & Gold
6:00pm ET – Ursinus – Red & Gold
6:30pm ET – William & Mary – Green & Gold
7:00pm ET – Maryland – Red & Black
7:00pm ET – Rhode Island – Maroon & Gold
6:30pm CT – Oklahoma Intrasquad
6:30pm CT – La Crosse v. Winona Exhibition
7:15pm CT – LSU Gym 101 – SEC+ Stream
7:00pm PT – Sacramento State – Flipfest

Saturday, December 7
12:00pm CT – Iowa – Black & Gold
12:00pm CT – Gustavus Adolphus – Black & Gold Meet
4:00pm ET – Michigan v. CMU v. EMU v. WMU Exhibition – BTN+/Flo
4:00pm ET – New Hampshire – Meet the Team
6:00pm CT – TWU – Holiday Spectacular

Sunday, December 8
1:00pm ET – Kent State Intrasquad
1:00pm ET – Ball State – Red & White
12:00pm PT – Cal Intrasquad
2:00pm AT – Alaska – Green & Gold

B. The Only One He Ever Feared

Simone announced yesterday that she’s going to be headlining her own post-Olympic tour next year—with just a few cool people and you better be one of them beyotch.

I love this. I mean, I don’t because it’s called “Gold Over America” and sounds like an insufferable cheeseball factory that I would obviously hate every second of. (But will definitely do a GIF recap.)

But I love that it exists, mostly because it is Steve Penny’s actual biggest nightmare. The idea that a gymnast would become so good and so famous that she would realize she doesn’t need USAG’s big bag of bullshit and doesn’t owe the organization anything and can instead just forge her own money making tour without padding the organization’s pockets in any way…he was so scared. That’s why he tried to become Simone’s agent, why he would make people sign the tour agreement before trials when they were too scared to have demands, and why when Aly messaged him to say “hey maybe investigate sexual abuse pls” he responded with “GRRR SIGN YOUR TOUR AGREEMENT BYE.”

That is why I love Simone’s upcoming Fuck You Steve Tour of America.

C. There’s Gymnastics Happening?

Apparently.

This year’s Voronin Cup was not the most heavily attended that we’ve seen, with most of the top elites taking a pass. Uliana Perebinosova won the AA title, Anastasia Agafonova won the bars title, and Maria Kharenkova took the beam and floor titles.

In Russian junior news, Yana Vorona upset Viktoria Listunova to win the all-around title at Massilia, and Vladislava Urazova won the title at Top Gym by about 800 points. Urazova also won the VT, UB, and FX event titles, while Elena Gerasimova took BB.

In non-Russian news, Elisabeth Seitz won the AA title in the Bundesliga final, ahead of Kim Bui in second and Tisha Volleman in third.

D. NCAA Training

  • Kentucky has some important routines to show you.

(To answer your questions: that’s Shealyn Luksik on bars in the first video, Josie Angeny on bars in the fourth video, and Arianna Patterson on vault in the fifth video.)


  • Utah has intrasquad highlights

  • Introducing Sabrina “I still do bars” Vega.

(Also a brief shot of a bars lineup, which I paused on because we know what we’re about, and it was Roberts, Dickson, Lukacs, Hattaway, Oakley, De Jong.)


  • Florida is showing off loso loso series

  • Denver has some bits and pieces

  • And Washington has intrasquad highlights. (I just have some questions about what some of those vault entries were…)

E. GymCastic

No new episode this week, but you can catch up on our most recent Gymternet news episode: “Did Everyone Know But Me?”

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