Because sometimes you just can’t.

You quit, I quit, we all quit.

We’re going down.

We’re yelling timber.

Oops, time for lunch, bye.

Boom, done, gotta run.

That’s all I needed.

I’m rolling out.

Continue reading Pommel Horse: A Mood →

We have one hallowed tradition in American gymnastics, valued above all others. It goes as so: When you achieve some degree of success, you are rewarded for this accomplishment by being carted off to a local baseball establishment so that you may embarrass yourself for all eternity by revealing to the world that your willowy gymnastics bird arms have never actually done a ball-throwings even once before.

It’s never remotely close, and we all enjoy the crap out of it. At which point, some four-year writes a video headline like “FLIPPING OUT: Gymnast does AMAZING cartwheel first pitch,” but it was actually an aerial walkover, and it was only OK, so we have no choice but to frame them for murder.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Anyway, the latest run of first pitches has come from our new national champion UCLA team, which went to Dodger Stadium and made the smart choice of deferring first-pitch duties to Fish Hano, who received this honor because of important qualities like having seen a baseball before.

Not bad. Good use of one-armed walkover. Ideally, we’re bringing that pitch down into the strike zone, but given the state of affairs historically, I’ll take it.

Now Katelyn, we need to talk…

Exactly sideways.

See me after class. Continue reading Gymnastics First Pitches — A GIFstory →

Welcome to the 1998 Reese’s Cup.

Or, sorry, the Reese’s International Gymnastics Cup.

SO MANY NATIONS. I CAN BARELY COUNT THEM ALL.

1 – USA

And I’m done. REAL SHAME THE SENEGALESE TEAM DIDN’T MAKE THE TV EDIT.

The Magnificent Seven (left) receive flowers from the Polygamy Tragedy Six (right).

Dearest Dominique,

You look like you probably wear a XXL.

Yours always,
The 1990s

OMG THEY’RE BOTH NAMED DOMINIQUE SO WE SHOULD PUT THEM ON A TEAM TOGETHER AND CALL IT “THE UNIQUES” BECAUSE DOMINIQUE ENDS IN -NIQUE JUST LIKE UNIQUE.

Elfi: Dominique, how did you decide on the name “The Uniques”?
Dom: This is the first I’m learning of it, Cheryl

“It’ll be fun,” she said miserably.

Kim Zmeskal: Stolen

AMANDA STOP THROWING COCAINE AT EVERYONE.

Shannon: I got the best team
Everyone: You know this is just a weird exhibition, so it doesn’t, like…
Shannon: I GOT THE BEST TEAM

And a rhythmic for Kristie Phillips, bye.

We begin on beam with Dominique Celine Moceanu 90s, who has selected “My Heart Will Go On” because of…that’s like a thing right now and you have to. Continue reading 1998 Reese’s Cup: Eat A Butt →

You guys.

Aliya’s back.

And basically has already been named to the Russian worlds team.

Aliya: [Yawn] [Cough]
Valentina: You’re hired! My footstool is named Varvara Zubova.

Aliya Mustafina gave birth to a human(?) child 30 seconds ago and apparently immediately began using the umbilical cord for resistance training because she’s already back to competition, returning at last weekend’s Russian Championship to finish 4th all-around and join hands with Komova as they joyously dashed the dream of every other Russian who thought she might make another team ever.

Ilyankova: I finished 3rd at Jesolo! I am on the ris—
Aliya: [SMACK] NO. Back in your box.

Mustafina is certainly not yet at full strength or endurance (though this was not altogether dissimilar to a typical Aliya podium training performance), but I was impressed to see how close she already is to being back at international-competition level, and by seeing her go for a DTY and some real floor tumbling like the double arabian. I more expected this to be a UB/BB-focused return to competition with maybe a courtesy layout on the leggier events, but she did much more than a courtesy layout, enough to get a competitive all-around score on the first day.  Continue reading We Need to Talk about Aliya’s Comeback →