Category Archives: Great Moments in Gymnastics

Great Moments in Beam Falls

If there’s one thing we can say about the first half of 2017, it has really put the “HA” back in “harrowing disaster.”

And for that, we owe it a great deal. It has saved us, returning us to our roots and reminding us that to take the mundane and modern view of a beam fall simply as “a mistake” or “a deduction” or “a miserable storm of hate-diarrhea that has ruined everything” is to obscure the original purpose of falling on beam: comedy.

When Toulouse-Shelgunova called us to her side and said, “I’ll just pick up this flyer for free piano lessons and…NO IT’S A TRAP…”

When Flavia Magritte tried to teach Double Dutch to that clan of militant gibbons…

…they joined a pantheon as old as time itself. One that truly understands them.

Because sometimes, you just have to droop down and…succumb to the pox once and for all?

“Who wants to bring Nana a barf bag?”

And sometimes you would resume your routine after a fall, but the beam just doesn’t deserve it.

“You know what? No. Not for you today.”

Continue reading Great Moments in Beam Falls


Courtney and Suzanne: Return of the Jedi

Breaking news. We learned today that the new head coach of the Georgia gymnastics team will be……..Suzantney Kupoculan!

The press conference began with Southern McGlasses going, “blah blah blah tradition of excellence blah blah,” with Kupets lurking in the corner like

Captain McGlasses then announced that the new head coach of Georgia’s gymnastics team will be none other than the portion of face sitting next to him, the gymternet’s sun and stars, Courtney Kupets-Carter. He then added, “there’s definitely not anything more to the story than this. Wink wink. The owl flies at midnight.”

Kupets then got up and told us that

which was really all we needed to know. Continue reading Courtney and Suzanne: Return of the Jedi

Adventures with Elfi in the Rain

Oh hey, would you like to watch some NCAA gymnastics fluff that has the soundtrack, production quality, color scheme, and fucking moccasins of a 1970s sex ed video set in a zoo?

That’s correct.

So, Elfi. We’re going to need you to go for a short jog while jamming a book to your forehead like you’re absorbing a series of Egyptian prophesies. Annnnnnnnd…action!


Get the girl an umbrella?

Maybe that’s why she never imagined Russia sending someone that untalented to a world championship. The book LIED to her.

So wait, there were just random pictures of Elfi up around town? Was she an escaped criminal or lost dog? Did Elfi do a murder, you guys?

I mean, we could show her doing some gymnastics, but that’s just so obvious, you know. We don’t have that much time, so I feel like we really need to devote most of it to her laboriously opening a closet. That’s what girls do. Hop in, Elf.


Ugh, easiest skill in the whole routine. Continue reading Adventures with Elfi in the Rain

Under the Lights: Suzanne Yoculan and Guests

Back in 2007, our beloved Suzanne Yoculan—or Suzie Yocks, as no one calls her but me—woke up one morning and said, “I can’t believe you think I like attention!” and invited cameras into the gym to profile her team’s preparation for the 2008 season in AFI’s #1 all-time best film ever, Under the Lights: Georgia Gymnastics. Directed by Suzanne’s hair, produced by Suzanne’s heels, it costars Suzanne Yoculan and Suzanne Yoculan.

Let’s begin.

The team opens proceedings by gathering around a giant G so that Katie Heenan can ominously threaten us that we’re about to go Under. The. Lights.

Is this like a waterboarding?

“Hey Katie, could you do another take, but this time make it 64% less Guantanamoy?”

Next, we meet Suzanne and some other nameless rabble who are here to tell us how awesome they are. They’re pretty awesome.

Suzanne’s like, “Pretty awesome???”

She gives us her best recruiting spiel about Georgia’s pedigree of champion awesomeness while surrounded by all her most comforting and supportive trophies, including what appears to be a glass foot because of the reasons.


For…Best Performance by Heels on a Competition Floor?

Meanwhile, Jay Clark goes, “We’re the best team, we’re always going to win the national championship, and I can’t imagine anything possibly changing that ever.” Me neither. Continue reading Under the Lights: Suzanne Yoculan and Guests

How To Gymnastics Exhibition, Starring Russia

Step 1:

And we’re off…

…our meds, apparently.

Just to clarify, that’s a big-horned lion (animal?) joining the cast of Stomp to provide a trash-can tribute to the marriage of Leonardo da Vinci and smoke inhalation.

Like you do.


A lion, a fish, and an eagle walk into a sexual nightmare…

But it’s not just about half-naked, strobe-light, fauna-percussion seizures dedicated to the legacy of Alexei Nemov (is it my birthday already?), there’s also this happening.


Continue reading How To Gymnastics Exhibition, Starring Russia

Vampires and Nadia Comaneci: The Karolyi Story

Now, listen to the audio version of this post.


Here, at the sunset of Martha Karolyi’s career, NBC has bestowed a wondrous gift upon your disgusting peasant life. It’s the 51-minute, totally journalismy, investigative documentary you always wanted, answering every question you ever had about the Karolyis.

As long as those questions include “How awesome are the Karolyis? A lot?” and zero other questions.

It’s an extraordinary addition to the canon, a valuable prequel to recent blockbuster The Ranch. All the big superhero franchises have prequels, and the Karolyis are no different. In this installment, we learn the history of how Bela, Martha, and Howard Stark joined forces to defeat Hydra. (Actually, that would have been a lot better.)

Please note that, contrary to what you may have read, this piece is not called Karolyi. It’s called KAROLYI. It must be shouted. Like the screams that wake Kristie Phillips every full moon. I’m pretty sure that’s also Bela’s signature. KAROLYI.

Why exactly are we starting with Bela and Martha taking a horse-drawn carriage ride through the snows of Transylvania while Martha is mummified in 198 layers and praying for the sweet release of death?


Because you needed a new lock screen image and this is preposterous? (JUST WHY)

No. Because this…is a love story.

But is it though? Because I thought it was about gymnastics.

NOPE. LOVE STORY. This is the story of those two legendary star-crossed lovers, Bela and Martha, and how their love saved…scrunchies and capitalism? Or something?

Because when I think romance, I think Bela Karolyi.

Their life is basically You’ve Got Notting Love Actually. Continue reading Vampires and Nadia Comaneci: The Karolyi Story