For years upon years, famed sports promoter Laugh Track From A Failed CBS Sitcom has been looking for a way to create a new kind of gymnastics competition. Like regular gymnastics, but cool. And you know what screams cool? A little skit. It’s why athletes always make the best SNL hosts, and why their line readings in commercials are always so natural.
Thus, an opioid crisis called Superstars of Gymnastics was born, attempting to answer the age-old question, “What if we had a 6th grade talent show, but where everyone was like, ripped?”
Held in two sessions of raucous fun across an entire Saturday…is the opening line of my nightmares.
The first session of Gymnastics for People Who Think April Fool’s Day Is a Holiday began with what can only be described as “if the concept of sexual harassment in the workplace had a speaking voice,” which introduced Simone Biles, whom I hope made one hundred billion dollars for showing her face.
Clearly, Miss Diana Biles took one look at this preposterous display and went
So she just slapped her normal floor routine onto the plate and you’re gonna eat it and like it because she’s not playing your games, like some clown person who clowns around.
In the wise words of Simone’s facial expressions in this GIF, “What the mother of hell is this shit?”
Anyway, Simone fell attempting a double double (BUT WHAT IF SHE DOESN’T WIN THE COMPETITION), which gave her the opportunity to steal the show with this gem.
We did not deserve a line that good.
A start list? Sweetie, you’re not a real meet…
So anyway, HamBiceps came out of retirement to do something called “going golden buzzer.”
Apparently that gives him double the points.
I don’t know either.
I guess there are points. And it matters if you have double them.
Scoring the routines, we have three celebrity gymnastics judges and also Laurent. Unexplained. Is this like when they told Kit she could be in the league just as a way to get Dottie to leave the farm?
Laurent is really worried about the judges going too high too early and boxing themselves into a corner. Laurent is judging this chili cookoff with more scrutiny than is used in actual NCAA competition, is what I’m saying.
Up next, we have a performance called “SOME gymnasts actually DO know how to read” starring Ellie Black.
Simone’s like, “Good luck, I wrote exactly as much of that book as you did.”
What does Ellie Black have against Laura Martinez?
To show off her gymnerd cred, Ellie goes for a classic Stick It pull-the-bra-straps-out-as-protest vault.
Cut to the UCLA team…
What would this show have been without Ellie and Danusia? They carried this clown college on their shoulders with the grace of Larisa Iordache carrying the Romanian bars lineup.
Because anything worth doing is worth doing weird.
I am all in for this at Stuttgart. A righteous zero.
Laurent thinks it would be unbecoming.
I guess he’s not GYMMAD (10/10) about it…?
And then we have…SIGH.
Yes. Good. Pay money for this.
Danusia’s going to fix it.
Sure…it’s cool…but I mean, it’s no two flappity wolf turns back to back. You know, beam.
And then there’s a medal ceremony? Like, for who got the most Schrute Bucks?
Everyone. No one. Sure.
I know what you’re thinking right now, “I HOPE THERE’S ANOTHER HALF OF THIS!” And there is!
Judges are really taking their cue from NCAA with these rising scores in the evening session.
You got three 10s and a Holding The Score Thing Backwards. The Carol special.
Because we all know the best part of Superman is when he falls to the ground all awkwardly. Good job planning most of it, Fabian.
If you saw this and didn’t immediately start thinking about the gymnasts who would miss on purpose (my hand slipped…), then I don’t understand.
Oh, sweetie, we know.
Laurent’s like, “Do you want me to teach you a toe full + Chow + Pak + Van Leeuwen?”
I call this one “Eat our farts, Gutsu.”
Is this a kidnapping?
The Disappearance of Dan Purvis. April 15. Netflix.
Pink broccoli underpants. Not even a prop. Just life on the Dutch MAG team.
True-to-life speed of man wipe.
And then Danusia broke it.
End of gymnastics.