The Balance Beam Situation

Because gymnastics is a comedy, not a drama

US Men’s Podium Training

Following the 36-hour national nightmare that was WILL WE GET LIVE STREAMS OF PODIUM TRAINING OR NOT, it appears that the answer is, “a little bit.” We get the US. It is not the everything we were promised, but it’s not nothing either.

Live Stream

US men’s podium training is usually extended nothing of an unspeakably boring variety. I did a giant, goodbye. But also…THE OLYMPICS. Everything’s better when OLYMPICS. Plus, we get to see the US men take another stab at those world records for Extended PBars Chalking and Synchronized Backpack Carrying (get it boys!) I really think they can do it this time.

Throughout the session, I’ll be popping in here with general notes, observations, and reflections. We can only hope for a Cheeseburgers On Horse moment. That’s basically why we’re all here. Let’s be honest.

Mikulak has already won the Gator Tanning competition. He has also nixed the American Flag hair, apparently.

Leyva is not vaulting, obviously. Instead opting to prepate his PBar chalk regimen. Good. Get ahead of the action. Can’t be too careful.

US starts on vault. The overriding theme so far is Jake Dalton Adjusting His Shorts While Bouncing.

Vault order looks like Brooks, Naddour, Mikulak, Dalton. Normal.

Brooks half-Pena’d a double front. That’s why he’s only going in qualification. Mazeika from the genius bar shows him about it on his new iPad.

Naddour tsuk double pike, bailed on it to his butt. “My run was a little off.” Lovely start.

Today’s theme is a little MY ANKLES Y’ALL.
They’re talking a lot about how bright and fluorescent the arena is, that it’s weird to see when they’re twisting.

And…that’s enough vaulting! US men’s podium training. Martha would have then going 16 more times.

Danell is looking pensive.

Chris Brooks is auditioning for his own buzzfeed article dedicated to his biceps.

Mikulak is gluing a model train together on his wrists, apparently.

Screen Shot 2016-08-03 at 10.54.58 AM

This is the movie poster for men’s podium training. A lot of this.

Sam Mikulak Extended Junk Adjustment Alert.

Um, excuse me? You BARELY spent ANY time chalking those PBars. You’ll never set the world record at this rate.

They’re not Crazy Legs. They’re Podium Training Legs.

Sam starts on PBars. He didn’t have any major errors this time, so it would have received a 19 at trials.

Mikulak going before Dalton? Or just PT order?

Jake Dalton, using the medium of toe point to remind us why the US missed him so much at worlds last year.

A Fabian Floor Interlude! Oooohhh, for bad reasons. That pass was not cute. I feel like it probably wasn’t supposed to be landing on all fours. Just a guess.

Leyva had a wonk-a-thon on his PBars routine. Diamidov issues. As long as he gets it all out of his system now. He’ll re-chalk (THAT WAS THE PROBLEM) and obsessive-compulsively adjust his tape and honey for 16.5 hours.

Danell looks like he has a case of the grumpies.

If Danell were Gabby Douglas, there would already be calls for him to be removed from the team and replaced with an alternate.

Moving to high bar! This should be interesting!

Looks like the order will be Dalton, Mikulak, Brooks, Leyva. Naddour obviously off both PBars and HBar.

I love the creative ways Chris Brooks chooses to leave the bar in podium training. Good artistry.

Sam Mikulak just invented my new favorite swear, “Fucking Eff.” You don’t have to mine your oath with an “Eff” if you’ve already said “Fucking.” That’s the one you’re mincing.

Jake Dalton being all lovely with a stoop half to layout tkatchev to gienger. If only the difficulty were higher. A little struggle on a tkatchev to mixed grip but otherwise good.

Mikulak hit. No Cassina but good Kolman.

Are they saying Ho-mentum? Is that what the kids are saying these days? Do people still say cool?

Brooks has to muscle up in a couple places but gets through. No one has fallen yet. Curse.

Even Danell hit! What is happening?!?! That stalder rybalko is finished on Jupiter, but his layout tkatchev remains a work of art.

What is Chris Brooks drinking? Chocolate milk? Rio water?

Fun with unflattering screenshots.

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Interesting that none of the “5th-ups” are going in PT, just to get used to their routines in case they have to step in in qualification.

Also, Bela is being interviewed on NBCSN right now for some reason. In case you’re more interested in that than actual gymnastics.

Interesting to see Naddour up before Brooks on floor…? Some of these lineups may not be TF-reflective…?

Miklulak started by sticking a bunch, then bailed out of a pass, back 1.5 to nothing, all other passes were landed quite well.

“We Will Rock You” to accompany Dalton’s floor. They know exactly what they’re doing. A little bouncy on some landings, like the piked double arabian, normal. Solid.

Pommel horse looms.

PBars chalking may have been a bit of a letdown, but synchronized backpack carrying has lived up to all our hopes and dreams.

As expected, Jake Dalton is the lucky winner who doesn’t have to do horse.

All PH routines will be scored on a scale of 0-5 cheeseburgers.

Brooks definitely just gave himself at least three cheeseburgers for his first touch.

Leyva before Brooks on PH as well. EEEEEnteresting.

Leyva is off before he started. NO CHEESEBURGERS. He gives us “that’s never happened to me before” face.

Brooks hit! FOUR CHEESEBURGERS!

Sam’s off the horse. NO CHEESEBURGERS.

Naddour goes through cleanly to earn his keep. FOUR CHEESEBURGERS.

Mikluak goes again to redeem himself. Still no cheeseburgers, though.

Chris Brooks is being delightfully bro-y and indecipherable right now.

Danell has turned really smiley now that he’s done. Not having to do rings will do that to a person.

Sam Mikulak is making a lot of dude grunts, which means we have arrived at rings.

“Where’s the closest bathroom?” Chris Brooks asks, pulling on his shorts. Oh, podium training.

Now I’m legit worried about his rings routine.

“THAT A BOY I LOVE IT LET’S HAVE IT COME ON SQUEEZE IT GORGEOUS FUCKING SWEET.” Actual quote from the team during Brooks’ rings.

That’s all I have. I’m out.

Sam Mikulak did not get nearly the same enthusiastic calls to grip it and squeeze it like his teammates.

“Attack it. Get in there. Squeeze. There you go. Push it.”

Naddour is last up on rings. Order was Brooks, Mikulak, Dalton, Naddour. Tired dismount there with a lunge forward, but through podium training, the only falls were on horse. A victory!

The US men are done. Kevin Mazeika is standing over by the judges doing your taxes, probably.

To wrap up, performance order was :

VT – Brooks, Naddour, Mikulak, Dalton
PB – Mikulak, Dalton, Brooks, Leyva
HB – Dalton, Mikulak, Brooks, Leyva
FX – Naddour, Brooks, Mikulak, Dalton
PH – Leyva, Brooks, Mikulak, Naddour
SR – Brooks, Mikulak, Dalton, Naddour

 

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