If there’s one thing we can say about the first half of 2017, it has really put the “HA” back in “harrowing disaster.”
And for that, we owe it a great deal. It has saved us, returning us to our roots and reminding us that to take the mundane and modern view of a beam fall simply as “a mistake” or “a deduction” or “a miserable storm of hate-diarrhea that has ruined everything” is to obscure the original purpose of falling on beam: comedy.
When Toulouse-Shelgunova called us to her side and said, “I’ll just pick up this flyer for free piano lessons and…NO IT’S A TRAP…”
When Flavia Magritte tried to teach Double Dutch to that clan of militant gibbons…
…they joined a pantheon as old as time itself. One that truly understands them.
Because sometimes, you just have to droop down and…succumb to the pox once and for all?
“Who wants to bring Nana a barf bag?”
And sometimes you would resume your routine after a fall, but the beam just doesn’t deserve it.
“You know what? No. Not for you today.”
But you’re not really one of the cool kids until you do it at the Olympics.
“You guys, what if I just kind of jump off the beam? What do you think Khorkina will do? I know, right? WORTH IT.”
Nonetheless, the heartiest welcome to Miss Saraiva and Miss Shelgunova. We’ve assigned Seda to be your guide because of her extreme familiarity with this world.
Oh, I’ll just do my acro series and AHHH MAYONNAISE.
Sorry. I just had a vivid hallucination where the beam was made of mayonnaise. My bad. What is Valentina giving us…?
Hey ladies, feast your eyes on my awesome split jump…OH GOD THE BATS.
SO MANY BATS.
It’s cute that you think Nabz needs a face.
She doesn’t. She’s post-face.
Ah, the old HOP HOP CRACK.
Pssh. Loser. THIS is how you fall onto the beam.
Improvised dramatic kicks help always.
Dismount submission to the Women’s Technical Committee: dying of thirst in a desert.
WATER. WATER. …water…
Russia’s entry: Miss Most Upside Legs, 2000
…”I do Rulfova?”
Matter can neither be created nor destroyed…
But they never found the body.
“Ma’am, I appear to have lost my The Concept of Solid Ground.”
“If you happen upon it, could you return it to Layout Stepout Dismount Incorporated, c/o Seat Drop? Thank you.”
Raise your hand seventeen times as you try to escape a deflating bounce house if you just learned an important lesson about the existence of gravity today.
I AM THE VICTIM.
…And she did it on no legs.
Who wants to play Find the Only Nearby Patch of Hardwood Floor and Dismount Directly onto It?
I DO I DO I DO!
“Throw your left leg out.
Bounce around 10 times.
Spin your right arm off,
and shake it all about.
Do the Funky Nastia
Grab the beam cap like it’s jewels,
That’s how you sti-ill fall.”
BUT I’M THE FASTEST.