The Balance Beam Situation

Because gymnastics is a comedy, not a drama

Just the Good Stuff: Event Finals Day 1

What you need to know, in quick, easily digestible bullet points.

Men’s floor

  • Kenzo didn’t win!?!
  • Kenzo had superior difficulty, but he was outpaced by AA gold medalist Dalaloyan by the slightest margin because of execution
  • The winner might actually have been Nagornyy, who was perfect through nearly the entirety of his exceptionally difficult routine, but he botched his last pass for probably .600 in landing deductions—1st to 5th
  • Moldauer was fantabulous in the first position, recording the highest execution score of the final, but simply didn’t have the difficulty to challenge the medalists and finished 4th
  • Sam Mikulak ended up with the lowest difficulty score in the final but hit mostly cleanly for 7th
  • CARLOS YULO, our new favorite Filipino hummingbird, took bronze, the first medal ever for the Philippines.

Women’s vault

  • Simone’s Cheng was not her best possible Cheng, once again not getting the SIMONE block we expect, but it mattered exactly 0%
  • Even with the short landing, her Cheng was the second-best vault of the final, behind only her Amanar
  • So yeah, Simone won vault
  • Alexa Moreno took bronze! Her Rudi and Tsuk 2/1 showed the second-best execution of the final, enough for Mexico’s first ever WAG medal
  • Remember all that drama about her being body-shamed on twitter during the Olympics?
  • Make them eat your medal with a side of psssssh
  • Shallon Olsen took silver, the only other vaulter to show a 6.0 D
  • …Her DTY was nice
  • Chuso attempted to upgrade to the rudi, which was successful, but her landings were not secure enough to get her into the medals—4th place for Chuso
  • Yeo Seojeong factored as a legitimate medal contender coming in, but she landed her DTY short and didn’t have the E to move any higher than 5th
  • Ellie Black was among the cleaner participants, though her handspring full landing was shorter than she would have liked with a hop back, but with the lowest D of the final, she placed 7th
  • Pyon Rye Yong did the Splatmanar. We’re not super surprised

Men’s pommel horse

  • Ties! Ties! Ties for everyone!
  • At least in event finals, we use a sensible tie-breaking method, the execution score
  • This gave the gold medal to Xiao Ruoteng over Max Whitlock
  • So actually never mind, this tie-breaking procedure is a stupid butt
  • It should be based on who’s Whitlockiest
  • Hooray for Lee Chih-Kai!
  • It’s a bronze medal for everyone’s favorite flare monster, who does pommel horse properly because of nothing-but-flares (and I refuse to write “flair”—just because the people who invented the skill were illiterate doesn’t mean we should be).
  • Sam Mikulak produced the lone hit routine that did not earn a medal, placing a heartbreaking 4th despite a clean effort
  • Mikulak did not get awarded the full difficulty he received in any of the other segments of the competition, though even if he did it doesn’t look like it would have changed anything because the medalists still had more difficulty than his peak routine
  • Falls from Tommasone, Nagornyy and Cupping Addiction took all three of them out of contention, while Belyavskiy stayed on the horse for a whirling FML, which garnered a score equivalent to a fall

Women’s uneven bars

  • Nina things
  • It seemed clear that if Nina hit bars, she would win gold, and that’s exactly what happened, with both the highest D score and highest E score of the competition
  • Basically, the last year and a half has been building to Nina being crowned the best bars worker in the world
  • With a silver medal, Simone has now completed the gym slam, with a worlds medal on every event
  • These two medals today bring her worlds total up to 18 (2nd all-time) and her worlds/Olympic total up to 23 (3rd all-time)
  • Also significant was Elisabeth Seitz getting her medal on bars—finally a bronze after appearing in eleventy-hundred of these finals dating back to the dawn of time
  • Meanwhile, an inconceivable miscarriage of justice placed Aliya Mustafina in 5th, and I for one would like a full investigation
  • Morgan Hurd didn’t quite have the dismount today to get into the medals, placing 6th, but on the bars themselves it was her crispest routine of the entire competition
  • Exactly the same goes for Luo Huan, but she was able to take 4th
  • Jonna Adlerteg fell, and that’s all that happened in this final
  • No one else competed
  • I don’t know what you’re talking about
  • Everything is cupcakes and rainbows
  • No grief comas at all

Men’s rings

  • And, like, rings was a thing
  • Bebop and Rocksteady took first and second place, as expected, Petrounias with just a little more difficulty and smoothness than Zanetti to edge his rival for gold
  • My new theory is that Petrounias’ alleged shoulder injury is just a clever ruse
  • Bronze went to Marco Lodadio for his 6.3 routine, and everyone else hit pretty well except Igor whose neck tattoo yelled, “FEED ME” in the middle of a handstand, distracting him for his dismount
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