…here in the US, I present a few of the things for which I am most thankful to the sport of gymnastics.

Nana’s gotta sit down…

FOOLED YOU FIRE DRILL!

I got it. I got it. I got it. AND BY IT I MEAN THE WORM.

The world may never know. Continue reading In Honor of National Gymnastics Day… →

Now, listen to the audio version of this post.

Congratulations.

Here, at the sunset of Martha Karolyi’s career, NBC has bestowed a wondrous gift upon your disgusting peasant life. It’s the 51-minute, totally journalismy, investigative documentary you always wanted, answering every question you ever had about the Karolyis.

As long as those questions include “How awesome are the Karolyis? A lot?” and zero other questions.

It’s an extraordinary addition to the canon, a valuable prequel to recent blockbuster The Ranch. All the big superhero franchises have prequels, and the Karolyis are no different. In this installment, we learn the history of how Bela, Martha, and Howard Stark joined forces to defeat Hydra. (Actually, that would have been a lot better.)

Please note that, contrary to what you may have read, this piece is not called Karolyi. It’s called KAROLYI. It must be shouted. Like the screams that wake Kristie Phillips every full moon. I’m pretty sure that’s also Bela’s signature. KAROLYI.

Why exactly are we starting with Bela and Martha taking a horse-drawn carriage ride through the snows of Transylvania while Martha is mummified in 198 layers and praying for the sweet release of death?

Because you needed a new lock screen image and this is preposterous? (JUST WHY)

No. Because this…is a love story.

But is it though? Because I thought it was about gymnastics.

NOPE. LOVE STORY. This is the story of those two legendary star-crossed lovers, Bela and Martha, and how their love saved…scrunchies and capitalism? Or something?

Because when I think romance, I think Bela Karolyi.

Their life is basically You’ve Got Notting Love Actually. Continue reading Vampires and Nadia Comaneci: The Karolyi Story →

August 11, 2016.

A Thursday.

By all accounts, a perfectly ordinary Thursday.

But for beloved defender of the kingdom Aliya Sparkle-Hair, it was the day she would become a legend. It was the day she would march into the women’s all-around final, gaze up at the glowering, blood-encrusted maw of that notorious villain Actually Doing An Acro Series, and utter those brave, immortal words, “NOT. TODAY.”

Not all heroes have swords, we learned from Aliya, and sometimes the strongest choice a hero can make in the face of a villain is to do nothing at all. (Like literally nothing. She didn’t even come close.)

No, Aliya Mustafina did not perform acrobatic series that day, or even attempt one, but if bravery, integrity, and the quest for justice  were composition requirements, she would receive All. Five. Tenths.

But how did we get here? How did we reach such depths in this epic conflict?

It wasn’t always this way. Like most hero-villain duos, Aliya and Actually Doing An Acro Series were not so different at first. Some might say, even friends.

They laughed and played, frolicking through the lush meadows of the Sparkle-Hair kingdom, blithely ignorant of the fierce battles that would await them in the coming years.

It was not until 2012 that Actually Doing An Acro Series began to reveal her true nature, to expose her jealousy and aggression through her pattern of petty efforts to take down the rightful queen.

But like any proper monarch, Aliya Sparkle-Hair simply smiled, adjusted, and endured.

Sadly, Actually Doing An Acro Series’ schemes only grew more insidious with each passing year, and our hero Aliya was left with few options.

“Whatever,” she said. “Your mom’s face doesn’t display true rebounding action.” Continue reading The Legend of Aliya and the Acro Series →

Prizes!

I have them!

And they’re for you!

Today may officially be the start of men’s Olympic podium training, but…come on.

Much more importantly, the gymnastics movie of our time, The Bronze, is out on DVD and Blu-Ray. Now. RIGHT NOW.

BUT WAIT. In honor of the release, the good people at The Bronze have provided me with two gift packages to give to two of you lucky readers, each package including a Blu-Ray copy of the movie, an Olympic Viewing Kit with all kinds of The Bronze-themed swag, and a bunch of special mystery prizes! (Good ones. Wardrobe and props from the movie.)

Here’s what you need to do to win all this cool stuff/my eternal friendship: Leave a comment (one comment) on this post stating your all-time favorite Olympic bronze medal performance.

And that’s it. At the end of women’s qualification day (August 7th, 9:00 ET/6:00 PT), I will pick the two most attractive people, and they’ll be the winners. Just kidding. This isn’t life. It’ll be random.

Also, be sure to include your (non-public) email in the email field when you leave your comment so that I can, you know, contact you about your victory.