Tag Archives: Simone Biles and peasants

Pacific Rim Live Blog

Because why not?

In a weekend without NCAA gymnastics, we must find some way to occupy our time, so USAG has charitably provided the Pacific Rim Championship, the Pacific Northwest’s most important geographically arbitrary biennial international gymnastics competition. It’s kind of a big deal, you guys.

It’s the precursor to next week’s Countries That Share a Border With Another Country That Has a Name Ending in Y Championship. Prestigious. Sorry, Brazil, I can’t invite you because…I think you might border the Atlantic.

It’s also the chance for Simone Biles to square off against Canada, Australia, and a bunch of gymnasts who are dismounting bars with a Nastia flyaway and then go, “Oh, did I win?” Yes, Simone. You won.

I love that Russia and China don’t even bother sending women’s teams anymore. For a while they would fake it by sending some C Teamers and Maria Kharenkova, but now they can’t even bring themselves to throw a random junior at us. The Russians are far too busy fulfilling drug tests with a piece of notebook paper that says “NO MELDONIUM HERE.” Done and done.

Also, in case you thought the rules of this competition dictated that teams had to send three seniors and three juniors…nope. Not anymore. Because it was really important that the US send an impossibly strong team of seniors to make sure to win this competition by 78 points. Winning by 5 points would have been so embarrassing. What is the expression, taking a gun to a knife fight? The team the US has sent to this competition is like taking a gun to a sewing circle. Put away that gun, Louisa.

To the gymnastics? Shall we?

They’ve “journeyed to Everett, Washington.” Like they took the Oregon Trail.

This national anthem is a little elementary school dodgeball tournament, isn’t it? Oh, Sue.

Macready’s dream in life is to be the 24th member of Jay-Z’s entourage.

Our PA guy’s pronunciation of Allana Slater like her name is Spanish is my new favorite thing. 

Tim has already given Simone five Olympic medals.
I’m watching both the NBC nu-trio and Evan and Sam. But I’m probably going to listen to NBC only because it’s way more fun to make fun of. Evan and Sam are…just enjoyable.


We’re already going Brenna time on floor. Almost goes OOB on her double front – nailed front double pike – “you’re looking at a real veteran, Brenna Dowell.” “You’re looking at an old hag, Brenna Dowell.”

A couple slightly short landings and the big lunge out of the opening pass for Brenna. Otherwise solid enough. Oklahoma hasn’t really missed a beat without her, but it’s exciting to think about Dowell and Nichols adding themselves to the mix next year.

Sam is not happy with Kuwajima’s handstand speed.

Ragan Smith on floor now -with her “Hi, I’m 11” Addam’s family routine – just to let us know that she’s a pixie. Short on DLO – large stumble, triple full is better. A little short on double arabian – secure landing on double pike, chest down. How very NCAA of her.

Sam and Evan could not be less enthusiastic about having to pretend to know about trampoline. But they are totally making fun of the NBC trio, and I couldn’t be happier. You go, guys.

McGregor of NZL is heading to Boise State soon. We won’t see her vault because Laurie Hernandez is up on floor. OK DLO, it’s a little low and worrying, but she got it this time. Her second pass is a double arabian, near stuck, very strong – instead of a third pass, Miss Val actually just drops into the arena on a hot air balloon and steals her and takes her to UCLA, which is a shame because it means she won’t be able to finish the competition.

In the race to see which new senior is going to steal Maggie Nichols’ rightful place, it’s Hernandez 1, Smith 0.
 McGregor did a DTY. Low, but that’s going to be a useful full or 1.5 for BSU next year.
Second vault is a 1/2 on pike 1/2, quite messy to I’d guess keeping her with the yurchenko entry for NCAA next year.

Peterman has fallen on beam. Off the Olympic team!

Raisman time – 1.5 to double arabian to layout, and stays comfortable in bounds this time. Double L is short and falls out of it, strong Dos Santos to stag, the best pass in her routine usually. High and comfortable DLO as well – we’re pretending these leaps don’t exist because it’s just better for everyone, we won’t pretend like they’re close to 180 – hit routine, what she needed to do to make sure she stays ahead of the other floor options. She’s still a more important floor score, which can get her on the team.

Roberts for Canada had a bit of a wobble burger on beam.

Biles time now – fab DLO 1/1, of course, bounces back, but excellent height and form obviously – do I even need to quick hit it? It’s good. I’m disturbed by these little unfortunate squeak screams in the music here. It feels…inappropriate? Like…is that woman OK? Casual sticks on the double double and the full in. You know. Whatever.

You get the feeling that this music was chosen for her by a focus group. What will be the most marketable and Rio-themed music for Simone to be used during highlight reels during the Olympics to make her the star we need her to be?

Bali, Mali, Chile, Malawi. It’s back. It will never leave us. We will never survive.

Don’t worry, the US is ahead by 765 points after one rotation.

Extended team ass closeup as they walk to the next event? Necessary?

Simone breaks 16 on floor. Obviously.

NBC showing highlights of the men’s competition. It includes two routines. That pretty much sums it up.

We’re already to vault!
Smith does a DTY – crazy legs on her block and chest down, but secure landing.

Sullivan of NZ with a tkatchev/bail type bars routine – short on the bail, dismounts double pike with bounce forward.

Hernandez – VT – DTY – better chest position than Smith but a large bounce back – exactly one centimeter of distance from the table.

Rousseau hands down on a double pike on floor. What is the Brittany Rogers situation?

Dowell – VT – DTY – good block and height, same bounce back as Hernandez.

McGregor – was working well through the shap – very close on her shoot back to high and struggles after that – has the compulsory Boise State gienger but the leg form will need to be revised. 

Raisman – VT – bounces A THOUSAND miles out of her 2.5. She’ll obviously be pissed because they were much better in training. That does not help her case because that will score below a strong DTY. The team needs her 2.5 because of questions around people like Nichols. This isn’t the 2.5 the team needs.

Copiak is going to be a big deal for Washington next year to replace Northey’s scores.

Simone also flies forward out of her 2.5. What is happening? Large lunge.

Cheng is much better than her Amanar suddenly today. Small hop, gets it around pretty well, low chest, hop back. It’ll be fine for the Olympics. NBC is already licking its USA VS. NORTH KOREA narrative chops for the vault final at the Olympics. Can you imagine? I can imagine.

Shallon Olsen has a double double. That will help, also a really tight tuck position on her double back, like an actual circle.

Evan tells us we won’t be seeing Brittany Rogers until vault. BUT I CAN’T WAIT THAT LONG.

This meet is going at SEC pace, and I like it. The US is going to be done in like an hour.

NZL had a disaster bail. Roberts from Canada shows a Dos Santos – and the Charleston -there is some solid floor difficulty in the next group of the Canadian national team, so they don’t just have to rely on Ellie forever.

Those US vaults were better than any other country’s but not so awesome with the landings this time. Martha is going to have to put quite a few people at the punishment table tonight. No watermelon slices for you.

The trendy hot take after Jesolo was that Aly’s stock is PLUMMETING. It isn’t. That 2.5 is still…no me gusta, but I think it will get close enough, and her floor routine continues getting her on the team.

Some really unfortunate thing happened where a little girl had a cry for help and then Macready just made her hug a sad hershey’s kiss. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

Raisman to bars. Aly’s same bars routine as always. There was a really popular claim that Aly had IMPROVED HER BARS FORM since London. Uh……a little….?

Hernandez is next. she has a leg crazy on her stradle full every time, but she has some tremendous toe point and form usually, not so much this time with a ragged pak, hop on tuck full. Some iffier moments than she usually shows in training, on an event that should be quite strong for her, which is becoming a bit of a trend. Her bars training routines are better than her competition routines this year.

I lied about following the NBC commentators. The NBC stream is behind, and I’m a slave to live. Also, Sam and Evan are delightful to listen to.

Nice DTY from Olsen. High, small hop back. Very usable in an Olympic/Worlds context.

Biles on bars – her new name is Simone AHHHHH according to the crowd – Good hit, excellent form throughout. It always looks like she wants to connect the pak out of her tkatchev but has to wait until the piked tkatchev. Sticks tuck full dismount like nothing. Very controlled and composed form throughout.

Olsen’s second vault is a Khorkina with signature Khorkina legs.

Brittany Rogers – VT -Excellent DTY, lunge back – but clear that she should be doing the 1.5 for UGA, not the DTY like I wanted. second vault is half on layout 1/2.

OK. Dowell bars. Here we go. Martha has prepared the pitchfork just in case.

Dowell – UB – toe full to shapto tkatchev, high for a tkatchev out of a shap – hit jaeger – Church to pak – shap 1/2 – presice final hs – hop forward on DLO 1/1. SHE HIT A ROUTINE. Much more boring and smart composition, and a competitive D score.

Did Sam accidentally just tell us that Brenna is coming out? No?

Important hit for Brenna. She might get a crust of bread for that.

Locklear – UB – same composition that we’ve seen from her – nice line and handstands throughout – very high tkatchev, the problem for her is that her spot has been taken by Kocian, and she doesn’t have anything upgraded that is going to knock out Kocian if Kocian comes back health……AH HAHAHAHAHA. 

“Spot the tramp.” I play that game too.

Ragan Smith is charitably getting to go on bars even though she was not selected as one of the five.
Simith – jumping to the high bar is the hardest skill for her in this routine – it’s not a natural event for her or a big routine, but she has the composition, clean line, small hop on tuck full.

Sullivan has some wobbles on beam, but this is a higher-level NZL showing than we have seen a bigger international meets.

USAG stream goes to commercial over Macready. Bregman gets us.

Final rotation beam times now. Ooohh, Locklear got a real beam spot over Dowell? Damn.
Evan and Sam pointing out those seriously wonky knees on her loso series. Nice punch front – pretty comfortable and controlled position on L turn as well – switch and switch 1/2 are solid 180, loses her tow point on her switch 1/2 – double tuck with step back. This routine has become more consistent, which is a big deal for her, but it’s not a TF routine.

Smith coming up on beam. My preferred event for her.
Smith – BB – wolfathon early – solid on layout 2ft series, secure on tuck full as well – this is the one event where she could potentially be a TFer, but others are ahead of her. Chest pretty well up on the double pike, small hop back.

Roberts just did a pak into her appendix. And another fall. Oh, Canada. Our home and native land.

Raisman – BB – check on front pike – she has been more nervous on beam this quad than last, not quite the same level of sturdy German-neess – “layout” to two feet – very secure – switch star jump 1/2 to back pike is very secure – I kid – I kid because her form is poor. It’s a credit to her that I still really like her in spite of all these things. It’s not necessarily explicable. I just do. Strong upright Patterson, but a step to the side this time, which she wasn’t doing in training.

Hernandez – BB – fantastic walkover to split and sissone – lovely – extended legs on her three series as well – slightly obsessed, don’t worry about it – not a wobble on any of this acro – one check on switch half. Excellent switch ring, how it’s supposed to look – double pike, chest down with a step. Will be a high score. This is the trouble for Smith in trying to squeeze her way onto the team. She’s being out-touched by Hernandez.

Rogers on bars. We know this game. And she fell on a jaeger. We also know this game. Oh, Brittany. But…from a stalder full to reverse? You go. Ricna to pak is close, which she has done a few times at Georgia. Nice shap 1/2, DLO with a hop. She made the mistake now, and won’t next weekend…is what I’m going to tell myself. 

Aly Raisman finished a tenth ahead of Laurie Hernandez, as was agreed.

We go to Simone on beam to finish things off – hits her wolf 2.5 in a not terrible way – that barani, it’s just a little not-perfect for Simone, isn’t it? It’s fine, but chest down, and everything else is ideal. Losos are strong, as is punch front, a check or two here but this is not the tentative non-important early-season beam routine we sometimes see from Simone. Just sticks her tuck full.

I feel like maybe Simone won.

Brenna – BB – front tuck mount, yes you do – solid – walkover – bhs full, small check on loso series – short on a switch split – this is the routine she wasn’t doing for Oklahoma, but she has been OK so far, the form isn’t quite Oklahomay, but I can see her getting a spot next season. Step back on double pike.

62.450 for Biles. And that’s our quick little meet done and dusted. Event finals tomorrow!

Brenna is 4th AA for a 58.850. It helps. Not Olympic Team helps, but it keeps her in the Trials mix. It’s going to be damn hard to make Trials this year, and there are people in the Hundley category who will get Memmeled after nationals.

Worlds 2015 – You Guys, I Think We Fixed It

Sadly, the world championship has come and gone for another year, like a fleeting spurt from a stage-mounted flamethrower that you’re convinced is going to singe Max Whitlock in the everywhere. But it was a good one! From the delectably OTT pomp and circumstance of the event production, to the avalanche of live coverage being injected into our eye sockets all throughout each day (thanks USAG!), to Maurice Lardo, to that thing where that small fishing village won the bars final for some reason, this ranks as the most entertaining world championship in memory. Everyone’s memory. I tapped into all of them, so I know. And, frankly, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

A little wistful? A little wistful. So, now that we’ll never again get to ro-TAINT, ro-TAINT—which is what it sounded like, a bunch of children just yelling TAINT—or wait with bated breath to find out whether Glasgow is ready or not (I didn’t say I’d miss all of it), that means we have just two short months left to prepare with catlike compulsive licking for the upcoming NCAA season and for remembering that a 10 is, like, good and wobbles are, like, a problem. Freshman previews are around the corner, probably.

But there’s still one more day of competition to break down until it weeps for mercy, so let’s get into it.

-The big bad news is that Oleg Stepko did not acquiesce to wearing his I-just-had-sex-with-a-volcano lava-smear singlet from the European Games, but thankfully, he did remind us that just because you cut your hair with half a stolen blender, doesn’t mean you can’t be a star. Check your judgment at the door, you worthless moron.

-Oleg S’s hair and dystopian tattooscape carried him through to a bronze on pbars and a spot in the Olympics among an exceptionally high-quality pbars field that did this weird thing where all the routines were good and impressive, and the result came down to small things like hesitations in handstands and steps on landing. Almost like an event final, or something. Leyva had just a couple breaks in form, which was enough to shove him all the way down to sixth, and Nile Wilson had the gall to be just fine and got basically a 2.

-Speaking of exactly the opposite of that, beam. Let’s face it, that beam final was a steaming landfill covered in mayonnaise on a hot summer day. The people who fell were everybody. I fell during that beam final, and I was in bed. (I’m very talented.) Medals were awarded to the people who successfully completed routines, because of ACCOMPLISHMENT, minus Victoria Komova, who stayed on the beam but went Full Weeble on every acro skill, which was doubly disappointing because it both took her out of the medals and struck a devastating blow to the “Vika has no fight!” narrative because she kind of stayed on. BUT NOW WHAT WILL WE SAY WHEN SHE FALLS???? Oh right. Still that, because we’ll forget about this in 11 seconds and go right back to what we thought before. Yay, ignoring evidence.

-Pauline Schaefer and Sanne Wevers both had a number of wobbles and breaks, which means congratulations, you’re the best. Schaefer hung on for bronze, while Wevers spinderella-ed her way to silver. Meanwhile, the one competitor who hit a real routine without looking as though a ghost was passing through her center of gravity at every moment, one Dr. Biles, hopped to gold by a casual full point. The beam final was basically just The Simone and Nope Show.
Continue reading Worlds 2015 – You Guys, I Think We Fixed It

Worlds 2015 – You Guys, I Think We Broke the Medal Stand

Obviously, we’re starting with uneven bars. Let’s just get that sarcastic leprechaun’s fever dream out of the way right now. Here’s how it went down.

This morning, Nellie Kim met with all the women’s judges to tell them of her plans for a passage of one-legged, no-look acro elements from side position in releve requirement for beam, because TEH ARTISTRY, at which point the judges robbed a Xanax truck at gunpoint, downed all of it, then hosed themselves into the uneven bars final going, “8.7 EXECUTION PROBABLY. EVERYONE TASTES LIKE WINNERS [coma].”

Everyone tastes like winners, indeed. Except for Gabby Douglas, apparently, since the judges looked at her cleanest-routine-of-the-final and went “Not quite. BOOP.”

But notwithstanding Gabby and Sophie Scheder, who sadly got the rickets in the middle of her dismount and temporarily forgot what walking is, the judges thought it would be funny (not ha-ha funny, more like sylvia-plath funny), if they just gave everyone and everything, all the flora and fauna, the exact same score. Because who the hell cares? Not us! Great. Fun. So once Fan Yilin got a 15.366, they said “Bingo, there’s the one” and conferenced for several short life cycles of a sea turtle about how to get Komova’s score down to 15.366. And with that never-say-die attitude they’re so famous for, they did it! Because of…sure. And…reasons. Komova thought that was some hilarious bullshit. Throughout the whole tie process, from getting her shut-up-nonsense-steroid-conspiracy of a score to being forced to hop up on that sister-wives medal stand with everyone else, she was basically this.

And once they got Komova in the tie, why not get Kocian and Spiridonova into the mix too? I CAN THINK OF NO REASON. This is such a fun game of Electronic Talking Fuck It! You stepped? That’s fine. You missed some handstands in there? That’s fine. 15.366! It’s a party! Four golds! We’re doing our jobs and there’s no problem with this! We definitely won’t run out of medals and won’t have to invite tomorrow’s winners onto the podium to give them a scrap of notebook paper with “Redeemable for one Mother’s Day present” on it.

Continue reading Worlds 2015 – You Guys, I Think We Broke the Medal Stand

Worlds 2015 – You Guys, I Think We Broke Everyone Else’s Spirit

Was I the only one who didn’t know that Simone Biles is a space scientist? I feel like her PhD in Astronomical Beatdowns should play a bigger part in profile pieces about her. Just a note heading to the Olympics. Today, Dr. Biles went out to conduct some field research into how much bacon grease a preposterous alien space queen can rub on her feet before a meet and still beat all y’all serfs by an obscene margin. The study is ongoing, but the results we obtained today are very encouraging and indicate that the original hypothesis of 20 handfuls might be quite low.

Should any other gymnasts even bother having dreams anymore? That’s not for me to say, but absolutely not.

You see this?

And this?

You’re welcome. Have fun handing me my scepter.

-But the major conundrum confounding the space-science world lately has been just how many times Simone could fall and still win a world championship. Right now, it’s looking like the answer is two instead of the previously prevailing theory of SHUT UP A BILLION QUEEEEEEN [faint], proposed by Nichols, Me, et al. Simone didn’t fall today (there are still a lot of experiments to do be done in this field; we’re just scratching the surface of what we can learn), but her mistakes across three events probably combined to equal a fall, and she still won by a full point, then hugged a thousand pandas, ran into a nest of hipster beards and cured all of them, and eradicated the world of all LinkedIn requests. She’s basically a Marvel hero.
Continue reading Worlds 2015 – You Guys, I Think We Broke Everyone Else’s Spirit