The Balance Beam Situation

Because gymnastics is a comedy, not a drama

Courtney and Suzanne: Return of the Jedi

Breaking news. We learned today that the new head coach of the Georgia gymnastics team will be……..Suzantney Kupoculan!

The press conference began with Southern McGlasses going, “blah blah blah tradition of excellence blah blah,” with Kupets lurking in the corner like

Captain McGlasses then announced that the new head coach of Georgia’s gymnastics team will be none other than the portion of face sitting next to him, the gymternet’s sun and stars, Courtney Kupets-Carter. He then added, “there’s definitely not anything more to the story than this. Wink wink. The owl flies at midnight.”

Kupets then got up and told us that

which was really all we needed to know.

She’s going to mold the team as people, and they’re going to learn a lot of life lessons about how to be determined winners, and she’s going to have an “open relationship” with them (not really what that means), and they’re going to stop sucking and return to the top, and “it’s not even really about the academics.”

Anyway, it was around the moment that Kupets’ script said, “[look to camera] [pause] [determined eyes] Georgia gymnastics WILL. WIN. AGAIN” that you may have been forgiven for thinking…wait, did Suzanne write this?

I mean, she did everything but say, “ALSO WE’VE NEVER HAD ANYONE TRANSFER, DID YOU KNOW THAT?”

There’s a reason for this. In epic burying-the-lede action, Our Lady of Kupets finished her benediction by throwing in the minor extra tidbit no one will care about that she has already decided on a volunteer assistant coach to join her team, a scrappy little nobody named Suzanne Yoculan.

Mmmhmm. Volunteer assistant coach. Suzanne Yoculan. She’s just going to move some mats, you guys. And get water.

It’s definitely Kupets’ team. This isn’t the Suzanne Show. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Of course, there is the detail in all this that Kupets has basically no college coaching experience, which will be the explanation as to why Suzanne is coming on as an “assistant.” She’ll be there on a “temporary basis” to mold Kupets into Suzanne 2.0 and show her the stiletto-brick-road to Championship Town so that Kupets can fly out of the nest on her own in due course.

Perhaps it’s a bit unfair to Kupets that this will be considered Suzanne’s team again, but come on. Any room that Suzanne walks into will be considered Suzanne’s team. The dynamic and distribution of duties will be fascinating. In my mind, I see Kupets giving a speech to the team, and Suzanne standing in the back mouthing the words along with her, which would be dire and hilarious. That won’t actually happen. But what if it did.

But in Kupets, they have a coach who is happy to work with Suzanne (i.e., let Suzanne have the spotlight) rather than trying to get out from under the reputation of Suzanne and make her own name in the program, basically an impossible task.

The Shadow Government is finally emerging from its exile. Something had to be done, especially after Georgia got back from nationals being all, “WE GOT 12th, because…”

And Suzanne went,

That kind of behavior could not stand. She had to get to work, lest her legacy turn to ash, so she immediately called up Kupets to say, “I will remake you in my image, dear child, like a ball of clay, so that I might live forever.”

And Kupets went,

Yada, yada, yada…here we are today.

What this means for the results of the team…we’ll see. There’s the immediate association of Suzanne and Winning Championship Every Year—which she very intentionally cultivated by retiring on a five-year winning streak—but it’s not as though the presence of Suzanne automatically makes the team a favorite. They still need the gymnasts, it’s still going to be a process, and Kupets as a coach is an entirely unknown entity. Is there hope for the future? Sure. Always. More with Suzanne than with anyone else because of her pedigree. It wasn’t just luck that Georgia won all those championships. Are the gymnasts going to start being boiled alive if they miss beam? We can only hope. Is it much more important that we just get to see Suzanne traipsing around the competition floor like she owns it in those stilettos again, regardless of what happens? Absolutely.

So that’s what we know right now. We’ll find out about the other assistant coaches soon enough, I’m sure. On a personal note, I’m in hog heaven. My favorite gymnast and my favorite if-a-GIF-of-a-drag-queen-were-a-person both returning to coach Georgia? Gimme gimme gimme. It’s going to be a show no matter what.

It also feels like this is very last-gasp from Georgia in an effort to return to championship ways. What if the results don’t change, even now? You’ve used up your backup plan. At the very least, I’d imagine the Kupoculan administration will be given plenty of time. The presence of Suzanne gives Kupets a longer leash and more time,  since you don’t exactly get rid of Suzanne Yoculan.

In other news, who’s ready for Georgia @ Alabama next year?

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