Aliya’s Baby 2036

Breaking news. We have just learned that, earlier this week, Aliya Mustafina gave birth to a daughter.

Well, according to Valentina this happened. So that probably means Valentina cut open the innards of a bat, added some powdered broken dreams, and the arrangement of the goop foretold the birth of an Olympic champion.

Meanwhile, Aliya ate a mango and sneezed and was like, “She said my uterus did what?”

It’s currently unclear whether the baby will be winning Olympic gold in the all-around or just the uneven bars, but the latest training videos indicate that baby Svetlana Mostepanova Omelianchik Zaitseva’s dismount work is coming along quite nicely.

UPDATE (10:21pm Moscow Time): Russian media is now reporting that Mustafina managed to connect the birth out of an Onodi for two tenths, though Nellie Kim still has to rule as to whether that truly fulfills the acro series requirement.

It’s a tough one because, if the baby displays rebounding action, does Aliya get credit by proxy? Or does only the baby get the composition requirement?

Here is Aliya training the Onodi + birth series as long ago as 2014.

UPDATE (12:17am Moscow Time): Valentina just appeared in a cloud of smoke behind a lectern to announce that she has stolen the baby, pointing to a contract signed by Aliya in 2009 while singing a lullaby to a rabbit in a meadow in which Aliya promised all children in perpetuity to Valentina should she make Aliya “the most confident and glorious of all queens.”

We’re being told Aliya is planning to challenge the contract in Magical Court, though Valentina’s lawyer, a poison apple with googly eyes on it, has proven to be nearly unbeatable over the years.

UPDATE (12:38am Moscow Time): Aliya’s baby has an Amanar.

UPDATE (12:58am Moscow Time): Aliya has just been named to the 2017 world championships squad as a vault and floor specialist, along with Tatiana Nabieva, Alexandra Shevchenko, and Valentina’s newest fur, Rita.

UPDATE (1:48am Moscow Time): Aliya’s baby has been added to the senior national team, replacing Seda Tutkhalyan’s ghost.

Although, Valentina notes that the child is currently too fat and lazy to get any assignments and must work harder.

UPDATE (1:52am Moscow Time): The placenta will be competing at Russian Cup.

UPDATE (2:09am Moscow Time): Aliya’s baby has been taken to Germany to be evaluated for kidney stones and overuse injuries.

UPDATE (2:44 am Moscow Time): Aliya’s baby has retired from elite gymnastics, according to a statement released by a source inside Valentina’s bracelets.

UPDATE (3:24 am Moscow Time): Aliya’s baby has not retired from elite gymnastics, according to a statement released by Komova’s father. She is simply rehabbing an old injury and drinking water again and plans to go for 2020, 2024, 2028, 2032, 2036, and 2040.

UPDATE (4:14 am Moscow Time): Aliya’s baby just appeared at Russian Nationals to quarter-ass her way through a beam routine and is now an alternate for the worlds team.

UPDATE (4:34 am Moscow Time): Aliya’s baby has released a statement herself declaring that she is officially done with gymnastics.

UPDATE (4:35 am Moscow Time): Aliya’s baby is currently training a Nabieva + Pak combination and plans to compete at the Voronin Cup.

We’ll keep you up to date as we learn more.

6 thoughts on “Aliya’s Baby 2036”

  1. OMFG each time I think you can’t be more funny you prove me WAY WRONG! Thank you for sharing your gifts with us! <3

  2. I never get tired of seeing Alexandra Shevchenko’s ’03 floor. It’s the stuff dreams are made of.

  3. Thank you for this x 1000!

    Who thinks Aliya’s baby will compete against Chuso?

Comments are closed.